Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. The day of “love.”
This can either be a really fun, romantic day, or for some, it’s just another day which leads to unmet expectations that leave people feeling empty, lonely and sad. How can a day which is supposed to be all about love make us feel this way?
What is love? The dictionary defines it both as a noun and a verb. As a noun it is described as 1) A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties // maternal love for a child and 2) a great interest and pleasure in something // his love for football. As a verb it states 1) to feel deep affection for someone // she loved her father dearly and 2) to like or enjoy very much // I just love dancing.
I don’t know about you, but I’m guilty of transferring the word love in place of “enjoy.” I’ve said how much I love reading and dark chocolate. But what would be more accurate is how much I enjoy both of those.
In the past I have come across a few definitions of love that seem much more accurate than those above. The first one I heard was “the intensely human desire that others should flourish.” I admit, I’m not sure who said that. The second one I read was by C.S. Lewis: “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” I like those, I think they are a better depiction of love. We’ve all witnessed, or been the recipient of, someone professing their love, however their behaviors and actions don’t reflect that.
The last statement about the word love I just recently read in Atlas of the Heart by Brene’ Brown. She writes “Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them – we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.”
This is something I’ve been hearing and beginning to understand for a while now. You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself. The question is, how do we do that?
If the descriptions above that speak about love are focusing on the desire for the person to flourish and the steady wish that the person’s ultimate good can be obtained, what does loving ourself look like?
I think for each person it may appear a little different. Maybe a good way to start is by using the languages described by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. These describe love in action. They are 1) words of affirmation, 2) physical touch, 3) receiving gifts, 4) quality time and 5) acts of service. Let’s dive into those.
How am I speaking to myself? When I make a mistake, or don’t get everything done on my to-do list that day (which happens frequently for me), what am I saying to myself? Is my internal dialogue “I’m a failure, I can’t get anything right” or is it loving “That was not the best choice, I’ll do better next time” and more kind “I may not have gotten it all done, but I did my best.” I also read and listen to things that make me think and learn and grow in healthy ways: like learning to forgive myself and others, and learning to focus on what I have control over and, more often and importantly, what I don’t. I also enter things I’m grateful for in my gratitude journal each day.
What am I doing for my body? Are the majority of my food choices healthy? Am I moving my body each day? Am I drinking enough water? None of us is going to do this perfectly, but how can I better show love to my physical body?
Do I treat myself with a little gift every so often? I eat a piece of dark chocolate every day. Another gift is a massage or pedicure. Those are little pleasures I give to myself.
How about quality time? I have favorite television programs and I struggle some days to not fall into the trap of binge-watching. Ways I show love to myself are by losing myself in a good book, or getting into my craft area and being creative. I also strive for connection by making time to have a nice long chat with a friend.
Acts of service is my highest love language. But what does providing an act of service for myself even look like? I actually think it is a combination of all of the above. For myself. It means reading my daily devotional and making sure I list what I’m thankful for each day. It means listening to a podcast or music that feeds my soul. It means making my lunch the night before so I’m not rushed in the morning. It’s making sure I have some dark chocolate at home so when my sweet tooth starts screaming for attention, I have a healthier option. And it means reading some each day, and perhaps doing a short meditation to quiet my mind.
Trust me when I say I’m not doing any of these things perfectly. These are things I strive for each and every day and when I fall short, I try my best to behave kindly, to show love to myself.
So, my hope for you is that you choose YOU as your Valentine, and show yourself some love.
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