Control Issues

I was listening to a podcast and the speaker was talking about the differences and benefits of both primary and secondary control.

Um, what? I had not heard of this before, these two different kinds of control, so of course I was intrigued. Especially as a recovering control addict.

Primary control is when we do things to change the circumstances of a situation in order to lessen our dislike or anxiety about it. We try to change a situation, experience or our environment to fit our needs and desires. Secondary control is when we focus our effort on changing the way we think to better adjust to our situation.

My first thoughts were that maybe secondary control should really be labeled as primary because that is more often what we have the most influence over. But then I realized the reason trying to change circumstances or situations is labeled as primary control is because that’s what we human beings do. We strive to “fix” or more honestly, control things so the outcome makes us feel good or fits into the box of our beliefs. We don’t like it when things don’t go the way we want them to.

I was quickly brought back to the post I wrote a few months ago, titled Quiet Confidence. I shared in the post about having an experience that got me really worked up and I was pretty angry. Looking back at that time, and now knowing these terms of primary and secondary control, secondary control was not even on my mind. I was embroiled in trying to exert some primary control.

Guess what? It didn’t work. I did however, with a little effort, get to the secondary control the following morning.

I do believe we need both. Primary control is a valuable tool as there are times we may need to leave an unsafe situation or a toxic environment for our health, safety or sanity.

Secondary control is also vital in this world today. If you pay attention to the news or media, go to a public event or just about anywhere these days, there are many instances to witness the “us” versus “them” mentality, and see how often people are saying someone with a different opinion is always wrong or just plain stupid.

I wonder if secondary control may be what changes the world. It all starts in the mirror.