One Size Fits All

I was reading this morning about belonging, and how it is an undeniable need for each person to know they belong.  Where they belong can be different for each person.   

For some reason, the phrase “one size fits all” popped into my head as I was reading.  It most often is referring to a piece of clothing, but also could describe an item, situation, or policy designed to accommodate a large group of people. 

I started thinking about how “belonging” and “one size fits all” work together.  Do they?  How does that work in groups: at school, at work, in churches, in homes and families, in social groups?  One size certainly does not fit all.  If it did, there would not be choices of public, private and home schooling, or so many different church denominations who worship the same God, and social groups that have certain requirements to attend or join.  For example, if I showed up at a grief group for those who lost someone to suicide, and my loved one died of cancer, I imagine I would not necessarily be welcome with open arms.  I could easily be seen as not belonging in that group, even though I too was experiencing grief.

I wonder if two areas of belonging that could potentially have a more profound affect are belonging to your family and belonging to yourself.

Belonging to your family was a common theme among a group of eighth graders Brene’ Brown refers to in her book Atlas of the Heart.  She asked these students what it feels like to them to not belong.  Many of them shared their feelings of not belonging in relation to their parents’ expectations.  They describe the parent not liking who they are or what they do, of not being cool enough for their parents, and even when the parents don’t pay attention to their children’s lives.  

That made me reflective of my own life, as a child and then as a parent.  I don’t have memories of my parents having strong expectations of me being a high achiever in any specific area.  I do know they wanted me to share their faith, and did encourage me to do my best in whatever I was doing, and also to treat others with fairness and kindness. And they were always there when I needed them. I have tried to do the same with my own children. I hope I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older.  

I think one thing that has helped me grow into being a better person, a better spouse, parent, and ultimately, a better human being, is learning to belong to myself.  I came across a quote a few years back by Sue Monk Kidd.  She said “All my life I had tried to complete myself with other people and now I just want to belong to myself.”  That sentence landed directly into my heart.  

After years of looking for people and things outside of myself to feel complete, of being a people pleaser and a fixer, her quote rang true. I may have different roles of wife, mother, sister, friend, and co-worker, but what ultimately will fulfill me, to make me feel whole, and has become the focus of so much in my life, is learning to belong to me.  I am in recovery.  There is no end destination, I believe it is a life-long pursuit, and it takes dedication and courage. 

This is something I now try to share with my husband and children.  Encouraging them to look to themselves for love and belonging.  To not look for someone else to complete them.  To be compassionate and kind to themselves as well as others.  To pay attention to what makes them happy and brings them joy.  I try really hard to refrain from trying to fix their situations, circumstances, or to change their minds about something.  I am not doing this perfectly. I know I fail.  I hope they know when I stumble, they can call me on it, and I will hear them.  I want to be a safe place for them. 

I think this is an area that one size fits all just might work.  Learning to really love and belong to yourself.   This is ultimately the journey for every human being.