Default Mode

My husband and I had a discussion the other day, and like most married couples, our brains are wired differently and we don’t always see things the same. We also don’t have the same communication styles.

Whereas I have the default mode of wanting to discuss something right away and dive right into the deep end of a situation, his default is often wanting more time to digest things, and dip his toe in and test the waters first. I read and listen on how to live in uncertainty and accepting all the shades of gray in this crazy, messed up world, whereas he would prefer to have things concrete and black and white and analyze all the different outcomes that can happen.

Even after 28 years, we still struggle to navigate our differences. I think the problem is we often tend to define our own default mode as the right way. The challenge of marriage, of any relationship really, is to be able to hold both ways together, and that it is okay.

During this recent discussion, we were talking about some circumstances that were causing his default mode to be highly activated. He had an internal storm raging and was analyzing and seeking answers that may never be known. I know from experience that I can’t stop his storm and I struggle with the frustration of that, which causes my own little internal storm.

Shortly after our discussion, I read an advice column in the newspaper and the person was questioning how to stop worrying about one particular issue that possibly could happen. I appreciated how the columnist answered. She basically took him down the path to several different outcomes, any one of them that could happen. It was how she ended it that struck me. She said could he perhaps let things run their course and then trust himself to handle whatever happens.

I thought, that’s it! That is what I was struggling to convey and what I wanted him to grasp. Neither of us has the answers right now, and instead of being tripped up about whose way is the better way, could we just walk side by side, allow things to unfold and trust that together we can handle whatever happens?

I think that’s a default mode we could both agree on.