The Common Denominator

A few weeks ago, I wrote about persistent gentleness and mentioned I had that confused with another two words.  I then found the sticky note I had written with the short phrase that started me pondering, which was gentle relentlessness.

Sometimes, being relentless is seen as harsh or a bad thing, like maybe describing a salesperson who won’t give up or when a child starts asking “why” to questions we find difficult to answer, like why is the sky blue, which leaves every parent feeling exhausted.  We might say they are “so relentless.” 

Yet when you add the word gentle, it changes things.  It could look like the difference between someone who goes after their goal and doesn’t care who they run over or hurt to get there, versus pursuing it showing kindness and gratitude along the way.  The latter may be seen as being soft or weak.

The key word in both the persistent gentleness and gentle relentlessness phrases is, of course, gentle. The definition of the word, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is “free from harshness, sternness or violence.”  Who doesn’t want that?  In a world where there is so much vitriol and hatred, often against those who are deemed “other,” being gentle is not seen or heard about often enough. 

I will share two quotes I came across about being gentle.  The first is from Neuroscientist Abhijit Naskar, “Be a gentle giant like the elephant, not an opportunistic carnivore like the wolf.  The elephant doesn’t harm anyone to prove its greatness, while the wolf doesn’t think twice to devour another wolf.”    

And from book Lost December by Richard Paul Evans, “Sometimes it’s not the strength but gentleness that cracks the hardest shells.”   

My hope is we can pause and think and space opens up for us all to pay attention, asking ourselves how can we display more gentleness, and when we do, can we bring that forth from others?

Let’s Learn


I feel like I went through a long period of time where I was not intentionally learning.  I was out of school and had a really good job in my field.  I was very busy working full-time, raising my two children and managing our household of four. 

The turning point came when I read a non-fiction book, just because I wanted to.   That spawned my desire to read another, and then another. 

I love to read and am almost always reading a fiction book as it feeds my soul.  And for the last several years, I’m often reading a non-fiction book at the same time, which may take me longer because I don’t read it daily. I also tend to highlight passages that jump out at me and might look up things I don’t completely understand.  But what I love is that I am learning.

Just recently, two days in a row, I came across quotes about learning.  The first one was “Learning is a gift.  Even when pain is your teacher” by Maya Watson.  Ouch!  We’ve all had lessons we’ve learned the hard way. 

A personal experience that came to my mind was something that happened when I was a teenager.  It was winter and I needed to get gas in the car I drove, which was owned by my parents.  It had snowed and I cleaned off a small circle of the windshield, just enough to see where I was going.  As I pulled into the gas station, that little circle did not provide enough visibility to see the three-foot-tall pole next to the gas pump, there to prevent vehicles from hitting the pump.  I side swiped that pole and damaged the front and back passenger doors.  I can still feel the dread I felt going home.  Instead of telling my dad, I chickened out and asked my mom to.  I remember he went out and looked at the damage and came back in, never saying a word, he just looked at me and shook his head.  My 17-year-old self still cringes recalling that experience.  But I learned!  I always, and I mean always, clean snow off all of the windows of my car.  I’ve relayed that story to my children, hoping they will learn from my mistake.

The second quote is by B.B. King, “The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.”  I just love that.  I think about all my past selves, the things I didn’t know and had (and have) yet to learn, the lessons that allowed me to let go of things I no longer want and make space for who I have yet to be. It can be both scary and exciting and I don’t want the learning to end.

When life gets hard, and it always does at times, I still have the opportunity to learn something from it.

Persistent Gentleness

This short phrase came to me a while back (I actually had it confused with another term – more on that another time).  I sat with those two words for a bit, and it has been in and out of my thoughts often.  I wanted to notice and remember times I had seen those words play out.

I think we all have instances in our own lives or heard on the news things happening where we have not seen that example.  It is too easy to hear about bullying, violence, and anger and hostility at every corner and in the news and on social media.  But what if we started looking for, but more importantly exhibiting and practicing that gentleness in a very intentional, persistent way?  What would the world look like?

I imagine what it looks like is watching myself and others respond to the things that happen in our everyday lives with calmness, compassion and an inner strength, and we consciously choose not to react, respond or behave in ways that provoke fear, anger or hostility. 

I’ve recently been reading a very interesting and thought-provoking book called The Awakened Brain.  It’s a book full of scientific research and includes stories of how our brains and minds work.  I find the science of it all fascinating, but it’s the stories in the book that capture my heart.  One sentence I really hold onto in the book states “it’s in our innate nature to build a better world.”  It gives me hope to know we are born with that nature and that our brains are designed for caring and compassion.

A better world is something I think we all want and desperately need.  How do we get there?  Perhaps paying more attention and seeking ways we can be persistently gentle with others and even ourselves is the first step.

Refills, please!

Are you a glass half full or half empty kind of person? 

Me personally, I’m a glass half full type.  I would much prefer to find and look for the positive in a situation.  It might not happen immediately, as sometimes I will have a quick knee-jerk reaction to something, but once I have a bit of time, I tend to look for the positive.  I am able to do this…most of the time.

What got me thinking about this is that I recently came across a quote, author unknown, that said “People who wonder whether the glass is half full miss the point.  The glass is refillable.”

I can just hear those in the pessimist club argue that when it’s gone, it’s gone…whatever “it” is. 

I think, however, the author of the quote is on to something.  Perhaps we tend to look at the amount in the glass as a set amount and not something that can change. 

The reason this quote resonated with me is it gave me a different lens on a few areas of my life where I struggle with the “glass half empty” feeling.  It made me realize that although I want more in certain cups, and what I would really like is for one or two cups to be filled to the brim, I can take steps to pour into the glass.  Yes, others can pour into the cup but ultimately, it’s up to me.  I need to remind myself that it doesn’t have to be a huge amount, as long as I am consistently pouring into the cup, it won’t be depleted.  

So yes, I would like a refill.

Little Edens


As I was reading in one of my devotionals this week, the daily entry spoke of creating little Edens wherever we live. 

I’ve re-read this particular book over the past few years.  I should no longer be surprised when something strikes me in a way it has not before, like this entry did.  I know it’s often because of where my head and heart are at that particular moment.

Most people think of Eden as the garden in the Bible where Adam and Eve first lived.  It was known to be a place of natural beauty and paradise. 

As I read it this year, I sensed that perhaps little Edens aren’t always a place, maybe it could be a feeling we have that surrounds us unexpectedly.  Where, for just a moment or two, longer if we’re lucky, our heart swells with a love and joy that cannot be described or put into words.  It can only be felt.  When it washes over us, we feel just a bit lighter.  I knew I was on the right track when the I saw one of the definitions of Eden as often being an imaginary place or state of utter perfection and happiness.

I began looking back at just a few of my little Edens: a beautiful sunset, baby elephants, the renewal of life each spring, gifts of unexpected time, the birth of my children, random acts of kindness, laughing until I cry, the little noises newborn babies make, puppies and kittens, and times when I’m with someone and our conversation and connection leave us both feeling seen, heard and accepted.

As you go about your days, I encourage you to also be on the lookout for when an Eden moment comes, taking you by surprise.  Accept and cherish it for the gift it is.

Flying Lessons


I heard someone say recently that a bird sitting on a branch does not trust that the branch won’t break.  The bird’s trust lies in the strength of its own wings.   The speaker was inferring we has humans need that same trust in ourselves.

I immediately resonated with that.  And let’s be honest…some of the hard gusts of life often knock us right off our branch. 

Birds make flying look effortless.  But they too, had to learn to fly by practice.  The little bird often starts by standing in their nest and flapping their wings, sometimes even lifting off the nest a few inches.  Eventually, when it appears their wings are strong enough, the parents may stop feeding them which prompts the fledglings to leave the nest in order to forage for their own food. 

If you are a parent of an older child, I’m sure you can relate.

The older, and hopefully wiser I get, I realize that all those hard things I’ve gone through are the practice I needed to help me develop stronger wings.  And I admit there are times I wish I could go back to the nest and just hunker down to avoid the gusts. We all know life isn’t always easy, carefree and fun.  And people aren’t always kind, caring or even safe.  

Really, though, all of life is a series of lessons in flying.  The ups and downs of our daily lives provide continued opportunities to test and strengthen our wings. 

And if we’ve practiced and learned to trust that strength…we’ll soar.

The Making of Memories

Not too long ago, a memory popped up on my Facebook page.  It was from seven years ago when my son was in high school and I took him back to school shopping.  The post was about how much I enjoyed our time together. 

There is a lot of research and science about memories, how they are made and sadly, how they are lost, especially with the increase in life expectancy and a rise in dementia related conditions. 

But that isn’t what this post is about.

I’ve always enjoyed having one-on-one time with each of my children.  I wanted them to know when we were together, all of my focus was on them and our time.  So, when that memory popped up on my Facebook feed, although I could not recall anything specific about the day, what I do remember is how I felt.  I’m sure we laughed.  A lot.  And probably, knowing my son, it was at my expense. 

I hope to pass on to both of my children the importance of making memories.  It’s not only the specifics of the activity or the details of the time spent that is important. Maybe what is more important is how the memories make them, and others, feel.  We should all have the opportunity to spend time with someone that the memories that stay with us make us feel happy, important, safe and loved. 

I think Maya Angelou said it best in her well-known quote “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I will be forever grateful for those kinds of memories.

Guard Duty

Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, I was reading a devotion and came across the well-known bible verse about taking every thought captive.  I’m sure I’ve heard and read that verse many times before, however, this time it landed differently. 

I think in the past I interpreted the verse to mean I should not allow certain thoughts to even come into my mind.  But thoughts are funny things…most of them show up unbidden…some are often entirely unwanted. 

This time, I had an “aha” moment.  I think it’s nearly impossible to stop some thoughts from coming in, the key is to be a diligent guard.  If the role of a guard is to maintain order and promote safety, I then have a duty to pay attention to the thoughts that show up.  Some thoughts just won’t serve me well, and could even try to hurt me or others, especially if they are hostile and include judgement.

When those types of thoughts come, I want to be on guard and recognize them for what they are.  Instead of attempting to banish the thought from even arriving (near impossible), I can name it for what it is and send it away.  If I don’t do that, the thought could set up camp in my mind and invite others to join in, possibly creating a little gang of nasty thoughts to entice me to act in ways that aren’t aligned with who I aim, and claim, to be.  No thanks.

Just as in anything worthwhile, guarding my thoughts takes awareness and practice and definitely worth the effort.    

Tuning In

We tend to tune out certain things we hear over and over.  The word mindfulness is one of those words.  Especially if we aren’t sure exactly what it means. 

One definition I’ve heard it mean is paying attention to our thoughts and feelings.  We tend to let them roam freely in our mind and then too often react to them. 

I recently listened to a podcast author describe mindfulness in a different way.  She said that mindfulness could mean we have a healthier relationship with our thoughts and feelings. 

I considered that for a moment and can see the value in looking at it that way. 

How often have you witnessed someone not have a healthy relationship with a thought or feeling?  If you’re with family, at work, in a public place or even driving down the road, you may easily spot someone whose relationship with their thoughts or feelings is certainly not healthy.  They are the ones who are angry, inconsiderate, and if driving, possibly cutting someone off or offering a specific type of hand gesture.

Why is that?  I think it often boils down to not liking something the other person did or said, or we took personal offense by.  We then find the need to act upon the feelings.

However, when we deliberately pay attention and observe what is going on inside our minds, we have a better chance of acting in alignment with who and how we want to be, rather than speaking or reacting on impulse.

I’ve recently been struggling with being really annoyed with someone.  It all boils down to our different personalities and could be a barrier for me to live in my personal value of practicing authentic kindness.  My annoyance makes it hard!  And then I feel annoyed at myself for being annoyed!  UGH!

The important thing to me is that I’m aware of this.  By paying attention to this feeling, I know it exists and because of this, I don’t have to react or behave in a way that goes against who I really want to be. 

That’s tuning in.

M&M

The other day I was looking for something to watch that would not demand my focused attention.  I often like to have something to listen to while sitting at my craft station.  I randomly selected A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, the movie about Mr. Fred Rogers. 

As often happens in a book or movie, some phrase can be said that makes me stop and re-read or rewind, giving me another chance to let it settle into my thoughts and mind. 

This movie was no exception.  It’s a story based upon an article in Esquire Magazine about American Heroes.  Mr. Rogers was selected and the movie is about the man who interviewed him and how meeting him and writing the article changed the writer.  What’s not shared is how the two then developed a lasting friendship until Fred Rogers passed away in 2003.

In the movie, Mr. Rogers mentions the subject of death and how often we avoid talking about it.  He said death is human and “anything human is mentionable – and anything mentionable is manageable.”  That was my rewind…twice.

Hearing that really resonated with me.  Perhaps because I’ve had some experience with things being left unsaid that need saying. 

Humans often tend to feel like they are the only ones experiencing something, which may lead to silence.  The more we are afraid to speak about some things, those things can get bigger in our minds and sometimes scarier to talk about.  Once I can speak about it, its power over me, and my fear, almost always lessen.

I think and hope we can get better at this.  We all need a safe person and a safe place to share our fears and scary thoughts.  Once we can speak about them, we can begin to deal with and manage them.

Thus, my M&M title.  I think every time I eat an M&M, I will think of this.