M&M

The other day I was looking for something to watch that would not demand my focused attention.  I often like to have something to listen to while sitting at my craft station.  I randomly selected A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, the movie about Mr. Fred Rogers. 

As often happens in a book or movie, some phrase can be said that makes me stop and re-read or rewind, giving me another chance to let it settle into my thoughts and mind. 

This movie was no exception.  It’s a story based upon an article in Esquire Magazine about American Heroes.  Mr. Rogers was selected and the movie is about the man who interviewed him and how meeting him and writing the article changed the writer.  What’s not shared is how the two then developed a lasting friendship until Fred Rogers passed away in 2003.

In the movie, Mr. Rogers mentions the subject of death and how often we avoid talking about it.  He said death is human and “anything human is mentionable – and anything mentionable is manageable.”  That was my rewind…twice.

Hearing that really resonated with me.  Perhaps because I’ve had some experience with things being left unsaid that need saying. 

Humans often tend to feel like they are the only ones experiencing something, which may lead to silence.  The more we are afraid to speak about some things, those things can get bigger in our minds and sometimes scarier to talk about.  Once I can speak about it, its power over me, and my fear, almost always lessen.

I think and hope we can get better at this.  We all need a safe person and a safe place to share our fears and scary thoughts.  Once we can speak about them, we can begin to deal with and manage them.

Thus, my M&M title.  I think every time I eat an M&M, I will think of this.

Chutes and Ladders

I was watching a popular PBS television series recently and one of the characters said how sometimes we need a ladder person to help us achieve our potential.  One of their family members, unbeknownst to the rest of them, had done that for someone.

That scene sat with me for a few days and then I thought about the classic children’s board game that came out in the 1940’s, Chutes and Ladders. 

In the game, each person spins an arrow on a spinner and whatever number they land on is how many squares their playing piece moves.  If they land on a square that contains the first rung of a ladder, the player advances a few or even several squares, elevating their position in the game to possibly become the winner by being the first player to land on the final square. 

However, the spin could also have the player land on a chute.  This causes them to slide back down a few or even a whole bunch of squares.  The chutes and ladders are of different sizes, so how far someone advances or falls varies.

If we’re lucky, we’ve had someone in our life assist us by providing a ladder opportunity, or be the ladder to help us achieve our potential or goal. 

I know I have.  Years ago, after I started the process to begin formal training to perform ultrasounds, our local school closed.  Someone I worked with saw my desire and potential and trained me on the job.  It was hard work, but I achieved my goal and had a very successful twenty-three-year career before moving on to a different path.  What she did for me and my family is something I treasure and will never be forgotten.

Ladder people could also be someone who is generous in their kindness and caring and that alone elevates us.  I hope you have a few of those in your life.  On the flip side, we probably have “chute” people in our lives that sometimes bring us down.    

I encourage you, in the game of life, strive to be a ladder person. 

TROUBLEMAKERS

Chances are, what comes to your mind when you see this word is a person.  Someone who bugs you or seems to make your life difficult. 

I assure you I can very quickly come up with a name or two myself. 

I’m going to flip this a bit.  I was reading about someone who had a friend, a good friend, who challenged his thinking.  He said this friend was not a troublemaker, but he did cause “good trouble.” 

So, what is trouble?  One definition from my trusty dictionary app says it is unrest or disturbance.  Yes, that fits what this person was talking about.  His good friend was causing a disturbance in his thinking or belief about something.

I know a few people who have done that for me.  They’ve said or questioned something that goes against what my thought or feeling was and my initial reaction is usually being uncomfortable.  Probably because there is a part of me that wants to keep a steady grip on that thought or belief and not admit there could be other possibilities.  

Do I think a certain way because that’s what I was taught, do I really believe it and have I ever even asked myself?  I want to explore the other side of me that wants to remain open and not be too afraid to really look at and question my beliefs.  I want to make my own decision.

I’m not suggesting that people quickly change their core values or foundational beliefs when they hear opposing thoughts.  I do believe, however, that not every single thing is black or white.  There is a whole lot of gray in the world. 

I believe we can have a better, kinder world.  The more we can get people to just listen, hear each other’s stories and allow themselves to feel some disturbance, the closer we can get to that world.

Cheers to the good troublemakers.

R&R

R&R is military slang and the abbreviation for rest and recuperation, or rest and recreation, a time when soldiers had free time and a much-deserved break in their duties.

However, I am referring to two different “R” words.  I’m reading a book called Redeeming Heartache (by Dan Allender & Cathy Loerzel). I recently came across the sentence “the highest calling is the ability to restore and repair.”  I read that a few times and even highlighted it.

In our lives and especially our relationships, there is not enough emphasis placed on this skill.  Many people are more focused on proving they are right rather than making things right.  And by that, I mean doing the work to restore and repair the cracks and wounds our words and actions may create.

When I know I’ve messed up, I try to own that and take steps to make it right.  It can be scary work.  Most of us tend to get defensive and explain why we said or did what we did. We don’t like messing up or being wrong.  Maybe we actually are “right” but how we convey or deliver it is wrong.  If it is, we need to restore and repair.  Relationships will get stronger, especially when both parties are doing this.

I can look back at some instances in my life I’ve had to “R&R”…as a child, as a friend, as a wife and as a parent.  As much as I want to think I’ve mastered this skill, I know I haven’t.  I think those closest to me, those relationships I value the most, know I’m willing to have those hard conversations if and when needed.  

It’s also important to remember, after the repair and restore work, to allow some space and time for healing to occur.  We human beings are impatient, and often the work of undoing and repairing doesn’t happen overnight.  We may need to consistently show that the other has been seen and heard.  

I think what I most need to remind myself is not to make being perfect the goal in my relationships. The truth is perfection is impossible. 

This is my hope for myself and others: if the ongoing practice is to restore and repair, all our relationships will be strengthened.

Our Plastic Brain

I came across this a few years ago when reading about the human brain and its ability to change.  I was surprised to discover our brains are “plastic.”  That threw me for a second because my first thought went to all the plastic in our world and the concern about what it is doing to our planet. 

The word plastic actually means pliable and easily shaped, or modifiable. 

Brain plasticity, which in the scientific world is known as neuroplasticity, is when the neural networks in the brain change through growth and reorganization.  The brain can be rewired to function in a way that is different in how it functioned previously.

And we have the power to change it.

When we learn a new craft or change a bad habit to a better one, we are changing our neural networks.  The longer we do it, our brain will create new neurons and build new networks, grow branches and unending scaffolds. 

The same thing happens when we pay attention to our thought patterns: what we are thinking and why, and then consciously choose what to think and believe.  At the same time, the neural networks we’ve created that are unhealthy or have forged negative networks can create unhealthy brain changes.

Our mind can actually change our brain!

This reminds me of a wonderful woman I know who recently turned eighty.  She said she likes to write and paint and spoke of other interests she has and still wants to pursue.  She shared about the things she was still learning about herself and how she interacts with others, and her desire to become a better version of herself.  I loved hearing her insight, passion and excitement.

No matter where we are in our life, or what age we are, neuroplasticity indicates we can still use our mind to create changes that impact our brain health, and our lives.

How cool is that?

Damaged Goods

Many stores have a clearance or sale area where products that are not in “pristine” condition are offered at a reduced price.  Appliance stores often have “scratch and dent” items for sale as well.  These items have enough worth to be offered for purchase, but are considered of less value due to the damage.

I recently came across the saying and it kept nagging at me. When that happens I often have to write down my thoughts.  Sifting through them allows me to gain some clarity as to why they keep popping up in my mind.

I think it is because we often see ourselves or others as damaged goods.  Maybe it’s due to a rough childhood, or a lost love, some may have experienced some trauma in their lives they aren’t over, or have a health condition.  Maybe it’s pain they’ve caused someone else.  The result leads to a belief of not being good enough or measuring up.  And because of that, we might see people, or ourselves, as less than and not as valuable.  The focus is on the damage.

I would like to suggest we look more at the second word in the saying.  We typically tend to overlook the good.  I believe most people are born good and remain inherently good throughout their lives.  I’m not saying we never do bad things or make mistakes, none of us is perfect.  In our current culture, however, there is often an either/or mentality.  I believe both are often true.

To be human is to suffer, to fail, to hurt others and even ourselves.  There is no escaping it, we’re all bruised and wounded, some more than others.  Yet we can bear witness to all the pain and suffering in each of us and still see and acknowledge the good.

As we approach a new year, my hope and prayer is that we do just that.  We journey through each day and when we recognize damage in not only ourselves and others, we shift our eyes and minds to not only seek the good, but to honor the good. 

Coloring

When children are little and learning to color, we often encourage them to stay within the lines.  One reason we do that is it helps teach them the fine motor skills they will need when it’s time to learn to write. 

Another way the phrase of coloring inside the lines can be used is when we have expectations of how someone should behave or even what they should believe, and it usually pertains to the expected “norm” or more truthfully, we want them to believe just as we do. 

Our expectation is that staying in the lines is the correct way to color and to behave.  And by the “correct way” it usually means our way.

Yet, there are so many questions and unknowns, and it is often the ones coloring outside the lines who have the courage to ask those hard questions and seek the tough answers.

Our world does not want to accept or make space for the messiness, the outliers.  Most of us prefer the clean lines and colors that stay within them.  We are encouraged and often expected to pick one way, to choose sides.   

While I admit I tend to like things neat and orderly, the older I get I find myself wanting to make space for us all, for those of us who prefer things nice and tidy, and for the brave souls who question and color outside the lines. 

I don’t want to choose between the two.

Stillness Speaks

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.”  I often gravitate towards the first two words.  In the chaos of the world, I want to hear any wisdom that my faith or my own inner voice will reveal to me.  

How often do we humans do that, actually practice being still?  When we are awake we tend to fill up our days with to-do lists and schedule our time so that we are always going, going, and doing, doing.  There’s never a lack of something that requires our time and attention.  

Even when we relax, are we being still? We may be just sitting and watching our favorite show or most recent movie, or even reading.  When I read, I am often easily engrossed in the story, visualizing the characters and scenes, and my mind is definitely not quiet.

I understand that stillness isn’t for everyone.  There are many people who do not want to sit in the quiet and be left alone with their thoughts.  It’s too scary.  They don’t want to entertain what dwells hidden inside.  Not me.  

I like to regularly steal away to a calm, quiet place where no one else is, turn off all electronic devices and just sit in stillness.  I also need to give myself a little time to get there, as sometimes my mind is buzzing with activity.  And more often than not, when I stay still, I am surprised at what I sense and hear.

This also requires a willingness to be open to what my heart and mind want to reveal to me.  Perhaps I’ve been struggling with something or someone, maybe it’s a circumstance, feeling or emotion that keeps cropping up, and I’m unsure of what to do.  I admit, there have been times nothing happens.  I may feel more relaxed, yet any clarity remains hidden.  There have been many, many more occasions where something lands deep in my heart.

The best way I can describe it is to imagine dropping a leaf in the rapids of a river.  That leaf will be quickly swept away and disappear from your view.  However, if you drop a leaf in an area of the river where the water is calm and quiet, it will land gently on the water and float there.  

That’s usually what happens when I allow the stillness to settle into me and my mind gets quiet.

Meaningful and often beautiful little truths find a safe place to land.   

Family Ties

I think there’s a misconception out in parenting land that once your children are grown up and gone, the hard work is done and it’s all smooth sailing from then on out.  Um, no.  I beg to differ.

I no longer feel the need to guide and direct my children on the many decisions they need to make or what to do.  Thankfully my children are smart and have pretty good common sense.  What I find difficult is wanting to shield them from all things that could cause them pain or heartbreak.  

I often reflect back on my own parents; they did not get overly involved in their adult children’s lives or choices, but were always there when we needed them.  They gave us the freedom to make our own decisions and navigate both the good and bad consequences of them. 

I was not prepared, however, for how as a parent it would feel to watch my own children embark on that journey.  I remember thinking did I teach them enough, prepare them enough for what life “out there” is like.  I wish my parents were still here for me to go to, to ask questions and seek support and understanding.

I’ve been honest with both of my children about the process of letting them go…to grow up, move out and begin to live their own lives.  I told them no one prepared me it was going to be a challenge. 

My daughter recently mentioned another facet of adult families – what happens when the kids grow up and are no longer under one roof?  She said when she was young, she thought her dad, brother and I would always be this tight knit little unit.  She is now realizing that when children grow up and move out, especially if their move is of greater distance, it’s harder to keep those bonds as tight.  She hadn’t expected that.  

It made me realize I had never thought of that either.  I believe if we do the work to stay connected, and we add in a lot of love and acceptance, we can all grow and stretch and the ties of family will always stay intact.   

Strive for Success

Most people don’t want to fail or be seen as a failure. Success is something we often work toward. Yet, what is success? In the dictionary, it is defined as a favorable or desired outcome.

What does success look like for you? Many people have their own thoughts of what they need to feel successful. Some may want a high paying job, others may want to travel a lot, own their own home and have a family. Good health is high on the list as well.

What makes me feel successful has evolved over the years as I’ve grown and changed. When I came across the quote below, it just felt right to me. Probably because I’ve been thinking about the word “safe” a lot lately.

The quote is by Jonathan Louis Dent who said “Imagine if we measured success by the amount of safety that people felt in our presence.”

Go ahead, read that again.

We all need someone, or a few someone’s, who we feel truly safe with. They are the people who have our back, keep our secrets and love and stick with us even during those times when we are not very lovable. 

As I continue to ponder this quote and what it means, I’m going to pay more attention to not only who I am, but how I am for others. I invite you to do the same. If I am able to offer that safety, that is a success I can strive to achieve.