Traditions

It’s that time of year when so many people feel anticipation and start looking forward to their holiday traditions. They often bring families together and are passed down from one generation to the next. When the traditions are challenged however, it can be met with resistance.

When our children were younger, we decided to change things up and instead of gift-giving, we suggested going somewhere and creating memories. My children weren’t quite sure about this new plan but went along. The first day into our new adventure, we were having so much fun they said they wanted to start doing this every Christmas. And we did.

We typically did not go far, usually within a few hours’ drive and would spend two to three nights. We looked for cities that offered something our hometown didn’t. A few times we went to an indoor water park. They loved being able to wear a bathing suit and swim in the winter. We also went to a children’s museum and another time we visited an aquarium. One year we did a “big” trip which took months to plan and spent a week at a resort in Disney World. 

The memories we created all those years are special. They have both shared they don’t remember many of the gifts they received from us, but the trips they will never forget. They are older now and live out of state, which hinders planning many of those short family trips. At least with today’s technology we can still “see” each other and create new traditions, and share special moments in a different way.

It’s important to be flexible as families change and grow. I’ve learned that being able to accept new and different ways to celebrate, as well as initiating new traditions, can still create lasting family memories.

The Felt Sense

We are all familiar with the five senses of perception: sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. I was reading today about another sense we all have but may not have heard about called the Felt Sense.

I read about this in the book Try Softer by Aundi Kobler. She describes this as when the sensations in our bodies are telling us something, and we just have a feeling, a “knowing” that we cannot explain. It often informs us of something that is going on inside ourselves.

We all have it, and in its simplest form is when we experience hunger or perhaps thirst. Maybe our stomach growls or our mouth gets dry. When I allow myself to get too hungry, my felt sense is I begin to lose focus. That’s my cue I need to get some food in my body. 

As I learned about this extra sense, it immediately brought to mind another time I experienced it more profoundly. About six years ago I had been struggling with this feeling that something was just not right with me. I had this internal sensation which I can only describe as a feeling just under my skin that something was not right within me. I had never experienced this before, the constant buzz of low-level anxiety. I wondered if I was going crazy. A few times I also thought maybe I was sick, like I had cancer and was dying. 

I made an appointment with my doctor and was sharing this with her. I asked for something for the anxiety and she encouraged me instead to see one of her colleagues, a psychologist who had been very successful in helping many of her other patients stop the anxiety medications they had been taking for years. I agreed and made an appointment.

Long story short, in my first appointment with him I spent the majority of that session calmly explaining all the things I thought was causing my stress. I then shared that three years earlier my dad had died. I began to sob. What he helped me discover was that I had never dealt with that. My felt sense was my body telling me I needed to grieve.

Thankfully I listened. I found a caring grief therapist who helped me down that unknown, scary path. Grief is no longer as menacing or intimidating to me, and taking that journey helped me when later I began to lose my mom first to dementia, and then when she died.  

In a time when intelligence and a high IQ are seen as superior, I think it is just as important to develop our felt sense. It just may protect us from some hidden threats to our well-being. 

Snakeskins

Did you know that snakes shed their skin three to six times a year?  And that the younger they are, the more frequently they shed?  The process then slows down as they age.  

This time of the shedding is called ecdysis, with the history of the word borrowed from Greek meaning getting out or escape.  You might be wondering why I’m talking about snakes and their process of getting rid of their old skin.   

I started thinking about this a few days ago, how snakes basically slither out of their old skin.  My thoughts occurred after attending a two-day event for my department at work.  Over the last several weeks we have been preparing for the event with the end goal being to determine how we can improve some of our processes and workflow.  I think it was worthwhile and believe our upcoming changes will help us become more efficient and create a new workflow that may be simpler.

Still, it is a change.  As much as I want to profess otherwise, I sometimes struggle with change.

The reason a snake sheds is to allow for further growth.  It’s the same for us humans.   As we go through changes in our lives, it is often a time of growing and can be unpleasant.  While the snake creeps and wriggles out of the old, they can become irritable.  I can relate to that.  When I’m enduring a change or starting something new where I’m not completely sure of myself, I can be a little irritable also.  

That’s the reason I started thinking about why I need to be like a snake and shed the old “workflow” skin.  If a snake is struggling and cannot complete the shedding process, it can create a really bad life for the snake and affect its health.  When we humans fight and resist change, it can create problems for us too.  I remember times I’ve resisted some change I was undergoing or experiencing.  It was not a fun time. 

My lesson, and my goal…be like a snake and let go of the old.

Tunnel Vision Feelings

Tunnel vision is a term that can be used to describe single-minded focus or concentration on one particular thing. Have you ever had a tunnel vision feeling?

It’s where you experience an emotion or feeling and you just can’t let it go, like a dog with a bone. You’re determined to hold onto it. Or maybe you want to let it go, but you just can’t figure out how.

Here’s the thing: a tunnel is a passageway, it has an entrance and an exit. We need to let these feelings move through us and not get stuck. If a vehicle got stuck in a tunnel, it would cause a huge back up, it’s the same with feelings or emotions.

Stuck feelings can wreak havoc on our lives. I’ve met a few people who have struggled with tunnel vision feelings, and admit to having been there myself a few times. It can make us feel irritable or unmotivated, we can have trouble sleeping and feel hopeless. I also believe when it’s really bad, it can even cause physical illness and disease.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave that I could immediately let go of those feelings that make me uncomfortable: anger, irritation, fear, envy and pride, just to name a few. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Learning how to let those emotions travel through us and not get stuck can take some time and effort, and what works for one person might not work for another. We first need to acknowledge or admit what it is we are feeling and then we can begin to release them. Some people exercise, meditate, or get creative like painting, drawing or writing. Those are healthy ways.

The important thing is to find a way (or two) that works for you, and sometimes that is just trial and error. I know what works for me one day might not work on another.

I encourage you to pay attention so that if your feelings get stuck, you find a way to unravel them so they can pass right through. Coming out of that dark tunnel and seeing the light is worth the effort.

Safe Haven

A safe haven is a place you can go where you feel safe and protected. If we are lucky, for most of us our homes are a safe haven. Unfortunately, that is not true for everyone.

Looking back at my own childhood, I’m not sure I thought of my home as a safe haven. I remember feeling frightened when my dad got angry and I learned to steer clear. Fortunately, as he grew older he mellowed, was softer and he became a safe haven for me.

As an adult, I loved going to my parents home and would often go there when I needed to feel safe, not because I was actually “unsafe” or in danger in any way. It was more a feeling that no matter what was going on in my life, being there with them I felt wrapped up in love. Even if they were crabby themselves, or bickering like long married couples do, they were genuinely happy for me to be there. I also believe when I left, they were ready to have their home to themselves, back to the quietness and routine of just the two of them.

While a home or a physical location can be a safe haven, I think it is more so that people can be. I think it takes some time and attention to decipher who is and is not safe, not only in the big world, but in our own little world or environment. Hopefully you have developed a quick sense of who is trustworthy and who is not.

Safe people are those that when you’ve shared something of yourself with them, they don’t judge or ridicule you, or carelessly tell it to others. The shared piece of yourself is held like a treasure. They genuinely want the absolute best for you.

I think we can also be a safe haven for ourselves. When something is revealed to me, either by some introspection or someone else sharing it with me, am I able to safely receive it? If I have a reaction of self-loathing or judgement, perhaps denial and anger, do I feel safe? It takes some practice as well as effort to create that safe place within ourselves, so that when things happen we can sit with and examine it, and give ourselves some self-compassion and time to see what comes of it.

As you ponder the people in your life that are safe for you, I hope you can include yourself.

Weather App

The other day, my husband and I were discussing the weather forecast for that day. I mentioned it was supposed to rain in the morning but stop by the afternoon. He disagreed, stating it was supposed to rain all day. I had my weather app on my phone to back me up, and he had his. So we did a comparison.

As we stood side by side looking at our phones, it became apparent that even though the apps were the same, the forecasts were different. The app on my phone stated the rain would stick around for a few hours in the morning, his showed the rain would last all day. Neither of us understood how that could be, as the apps were the same. We chuckled at modern technology and then went about our business. A few minutes later I started laughing.

After asking me what was so funny I shared my thoughts: what if there was an app that could forecast our mood or temperament for the day? What if I could have an app that would let me know what kind of mood he was going to be in at various times throughout the day and his showed mine?

If I knew, for example, that from three to six his “mood weather” was going to be cloudy and rainy, possibly even storm, would I just say I’ve got errands to run and I’ll see you after six? And if he could tell that the weather indicated a cloudy day ahead for me, would he steer clear also?

While I can see the benefits of having such an app, there can be a down side. I imagine the flip side of knowing what was coming and then choosing to avoid it is that we would lose the benefit of how to handle those cloudy, windy, stormy times in any relationship.

Most every relationship has those moments, and it’s important we learn to navigate the stormy seas so that when they come we don’t sink or drown. If we always bypassed those overcast, turbulent times, how would we learn to compromise, be compassionate or become resilient? We most likely would only tolerate pleasant, sunny weather.

Even though a “mood weather” app could help us avoid some low atmospheric pressure, (and those gray moods of others), I think I’d rather just carry an umbrella.

Chatter Box

If you’ve ever spent time with a toddler, you know they often tend to talk incessantly. After a while of listening, you might wish they would just stop talking.

There is another little voice that can sometimes talk too much, and all you want it to do is be quiet. I’m referring to the one you don’t see, yet speaks non-stop in your head. You know that one, it prattles on and on while you’re in the shower, driving, people watching or even trying to have a conversation with someone. It can say some pretty terrible things.

In his book, The Untethered Soul, author Michael Singer refers to the voice as your inner roommate. He shares that you can meet your inner roommate rather quickly by sitting someplace alone and becoming completely quiet. Your roommate will start talking almost immediately. And most likely it will not shut up.

As long as you are awake, your thoughts are churning and the roommate speaks. It can go into overdrive when things are uncertain. Which they often are. I bet its favorite question during those times is “what if.” My husband recently said when things are uncertain, it increases the chatter.

If you’re lucky, it will talk nicely to you and tell you positive, uplifting, and encouraging things. And hopefully it will be patient and lovingly honest.

But for many of us, it likes to tell us, in great detail, what we should be upset about, and why. It loudly exclaims when we don’t like certain things and it’s quick to proclaim that someone or something is wrong or stupid. It may also lie to us and say mean, nasty things about others and even our self. I’ve often heard we would not allow someone to speak to us the way we speak to ourselves.

If you want to be free from how annoying this inner voice can be, you need to first be aware it is even there. Pay attention to how often it wants to be the director and conduct the narrative in your head. And I don’t encourage you to hate that little voice, because like it or not, it’s not going anywhere. It goes where you go. You’re stuck with it.

Perhaps if we befriend that little chatter box inside, treat it lovingly like we would our own child and teach it how to speak, show grace and be kind, it will end up being the best roommate we ever had.

Energy Bills

I wondered recently, what would happen if we were able to monetize our personal energy?

Think about this with me for a minute. If our energy were converted into cold hard cash, how would we spend it? Or save it?

Let’s say each morning we are given a hundred dollars in denominations of five, so a total of twenty bills. And for every incident where we got angry and acted badly because of that anger, maybe we said something hateful or nasty, perhaps texted or posted something on social media that was unkind or untrue, we had to pay that money out. Five dollars every time. And then let’s suppose that money was going to the person who was on the receiving end of that offense! That would make us more angry and additional money would be flying out of our pockets! I imagine there would be some people who would go broke rather quickly, and I bet you also can think of a few.

However, we do have the ability to save that money. The way to do that would be in how we treat others. Would our goal be to keep all one hundred dollars? Could we successfully do that?

Because when we think about it, it takes a lot of energy to be angry, unkind, and bitter each day. It not only drains our energy, it also robs us of peace and harmony, and so much more.

If this could actually happen, if we could monetize our energy, it would be really interesting to see what could change, and would change in the world.

It makes me wonder.

Junk Drawer

Does your home have a junk drawer? It’s often located in the kitchen, and it’s a space that ends up cluttered with odds and ends that might not have a designated spot, and often random things get thrown in. Items like rubber bands and paper clips, restaurant take out menus, scotch tape, pens and pencils, a random band aid and maybe one of those plastic clips that come on the bread bag.

Every once in a while we go through our junk drawer, throw away the pens that no longer work, the broken rubber bands and even the empty scotch tape dispenser (who put that back in the drawer)? I don’t think I need more space, what I really needs is less “stuff.”

Why do we do this, keep some of the things we do?

For many of us, we have a “junk drawer” in our minds. We hold onto things that no longer serve a purpose, but for some reason we find it difficult to let it go. Maybe it was a hurtful comment made to us, or we said to someone else, or a painful memory we are struggling with. Perhaps it’s the driver that cut us off in traffic – several days ago! That mental junk is taking up valuable space in our minds.

I’m thinking about this because we recently had our kitchen cabinets resurfaced which required us to remove everything, and I mean everything, out of our kitchen. Oh my!

I’ve realized the clutter that fills our house can also affect the clutter that is in our minds. As I’ve taken on this project of deciding what to get rid of, and more importantly, what to keep (how many soup ladles does a person really need), it inspires me to think about doing some mental clean up as well.

As stated by author Peter Walsh, who has written a few books on this subject “Clutter isn’t just the stuff in your closet. It’s anything that gets between you and the life that you want to be living.”

This task is not something I will do overnight, or really ever finish. I think it will be an ongoing process of choosing to keep only what is most important and useful to hold onto, both physically and mentally.

My goal is no more junk drawers.

Permission Granted

The other day, I was getting ready to tell my husband something I had done, and I prefaced it with “now don’t get mad at me.” After I told him what it was, I changed my mind and said “actually, it’s okay if you are angry.”

He did say what I had done wasn’t a big deal and he was not mad. He then asked me why I had changed what I had said.

I told him I realized my statement was asking him to deny a feeling that could cause me to feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to fall into the trap I have in the past, and we see too often, where we are not allowing each other to have the feelings we have.

How often has someone told you not to feel sad or maybe angry, those feelings that often seem more unacceptable? How often have you said that to someone else? I know there were times I have, and still catch myself doing.

The truth is, we all have feelings we are going to feel, whether we want to or not. When we are told by others or even ourselves, that we should not feel certain feelings, that doesn’t mean they are going to go away. If we don’t acknowledge our feelings or even deny their existence, they often get trapped inside our bodies.

The challenge is to allow and accept the feelings without letting them rule our behavior. A challenge as old as time. History books, as well as our own personal and family history, is filled with accounts of people who have led with their emotions instead of wisdom.

Until we can encourage and permit each other to have our feelings, and learn how to express them in a healthy way, this world is not going to change. History will just continue to repeat itself.

We need to grant each other, and ourselves, that permission.