Let’s Edit

Last fall before I returned to work after having surgery on my thumb, I started writing a new book. No, I don’t have a working title, it has not yet come to me.

I’ve been working the last several weeks on editing the first few chapters. As I started the editing process, I would read something and decide it needed more depth, or something that was said or had happened I didn’t really like so I would re-work the sentence, sometimes even the entire paragraph.

That got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could do that with our lives? Perhaps edit some pieces of our own story? Not everything, mind you, because I do believe that everything we go through can provide an opportunity for learning and potential growth. Yet I can think of a few things I would like to go back to and do a revision.

I’ve been lucky with my children in that when they were teenagers, they didn’t go through extreme situations that some teens endure.  But there were moments of conflict when my parenting was less than stellar.  One particular argument with my daughter I did not handle well.  I do remember it, but I had apparently blocked out some of the hurtful things I said to her. She remembered. 

A few years ago, we were talking over FaceTime as she lives several states away. This argument between us had been brought up. As the story was being retold, she relayed some of the things I had said. I was shocked and horrified by the things I had said. I believe her. I even think I understand my faulty thought process back then, yet I still can’t take those words back. 

If only I could use my delete button, like I do on my computer when writing my new book, and revise that whole conversation. I know I could have done better. 

I also remember the day after our FaceTime conversation, when my hurtful words were recounted to me. I could not get it out of my mind. How much I must have hurt her. That day after work, I called her. I told her how sorry I was. I knew that it was not necessarily her behavior that spawned those terrible words, it was me in reactive mode, feeling like a bad mom, rather than her being a normal teenager. I let her hear me, her mom, vulnerable and feeling guilt and remorse. We had a good conversation that day, and I hope it healed some old wounds.

So even though I can’t alter that particular chapter in our lives, I do believe if we allow ourselves to be honest, learn, do better and make amends, perhaps we can create a second edition of our story.

Default Mode

My husband and I had a discussion the other day, and like most married couples, our brains are wired differently and we don’t always see things the same. We also don’t have the same communication styles.

Whereas I have the default mode of wanting to discuss something right away and dive right into the deep end of a situation, his default is often wanting more time to digest things, and dip his toe in and test the waters first. I read and listen on how to live in uncertainty and accepting all the shades of gray in this crazy, messed up world, whereas he would prefer to have things concrete and black and white and analyze all the different outcomes that can happen.

Even after 28 years, we still struggle to navigate our differences. I think the problem is we often tend to define our own default mode as the right way. The challenge of marriage, of any relationship really, is to be able to hold both ways together, and that it is okay.

During this recent discussion, we were talking about some circumstances that were causing his default mode to be highly activated. He had an internal storm raging and was analyzing and seeking answers that may never be known. I know from experience that I can’t stop his storm and I struggle with the frustration of that, which causes my own little internal storm.

Shortly after our discussion, I read an advice column in the newspaper and the person was questioning how to stop worrying about one particular issue that possibly could happen. I appreciated how the columnist answered. She basically took him down the path to several different outcomes, any one of them that could happen. It was how she ended it that struck me. She said could he perhaps let things run their course and then trust himself to handle whatever happens.

I thought, that’s it! That is what I was struggling to convey and what I wanted him to grasp. Neither of us has the answers right now, and instead of being tripped up about whose way is the better way, could we just walk side by side, allow things to unfold and trust that together we can handle whatever happens?

I think that’s a default mode we could both agree on.

Flare-Ups

Have you ever have had an old injury or a chronic condition that you don’t think about often, you can maneuver through each day and have learned how to compensate for it so that it doesn’t take center stage in your life? Only to suddenly experience a flare-up, sometimes mild and other times so intense it takes your breath away? I have.

I have also experienced that with grief. This year will mark the ninth anniversary of my dad’s death and the second for my mom. I know I will always miss them, however it saddens me to realize there are days when thoughts of them are rare.

There are also those days when the grief flares up and catches me by surprise.

A physical flare-up can often occur when I’m not taking as good care of myself as I should, like not getting enough rest or exercise, not eating good foods or drinking enough water. When I look back and pay attention, I realize it is the same for a grief flare-up. Stress can also exacerbate both.

This week I had a few hectic days that left me feeling a little deflated, like a bike tire that isn’t entirely flat, it has some air in it, but not enough for a smooth ride.

At the end of one those days, I received an email, it was the last email I received right before shutting down my computer. Someone had come across a picture they had of my dad and I and sent it to me. It was the last picture ever taken of the two of us. When I opened it, I could feel my heart clench a bit. I tamped down those feelings. Not here, I told myself. Not now. This was a flare-up waiting to happen.

The good news for me is that I have now learned to not resist it. I learned that the hard way. A few years after my dad died, I started experiencing a near constant, low level anxiety which would sometimes become intense. I had never experienced anything like this before. I actually thought I was dying. I thought it was my body telling me I had cancer or maybe heart disease. At an appointment with my family physician, she encouraged me to address the anxiety and recommended an excellent psychologist in her practice. It was during my first appointment that we discovered it was the grief that I had not dealt with that was causing this anxiety. Once I began acknowledging it and let myself experience the grief, my anxiety greatly diminished.

I have also learned that if I don’t allow the flare-up to occur, if I resist by tamping it down or shoving it in a corner of my mind because I’m afraid of experiencing it, it will still show up. I may not know when or how, but it will happen.

So on that day after opening my email and seeing the last picture with my dad, I shut down my computer and walked out of the building to head home. I pulled out my cell phone and pressed the microphone button to leave a voice text for my daughter. This is what we often do. We share our days, our ups and downs, our funny stories.

I shared a little about my day and then I told her about the picture. I’m sure she knew which one I was talking about. I struggled to get the words out. I let myself feel it and I cried. I didn’t know exactly when she would listen to it, but I knew from past experience she would take my grief flare-up, and hold it tenderly in her heart.

If I don’t allow myself to feel the grief flare-up, it will get stuck inside of me somewhere. So now, when I have these moments, I think of them as my mom and dad, drifting into my mind, like a gentle breeze on a warm summer day. They come for a short visit, reminding me of how much love we shared.

Turn Right

A while back I did a post titled Practice Makes Perfect and talked about my struggles with trying to be perfect. I think for those of us who believe in the triune God and have read the verse in Matthew “Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect,” (5:48) we strive for this and then often beat ourselves up when we fail. I know I do.

A few years ago I was praying and telling Jesus my desire to live perfectly and to respond to Him perfectly. I sensed Him telling me that is not what He wants from me, because perfection is not possible for us human beings.

I had also come across something that said the original Greek word for perfect is teleios. That word can also be translated in a few different ways. It ended up in many translations of the Bible as perfect but it can also mean complete and whole.

I remember thinking “What?” Whole? Let me read it that way. “Be ye whole, just as your heavenly Father is whole.” Hmmm.

So then I got out my trusty dictionary (my phone app, of course) and looked up the word whole. Two definitions are 1) recovered from a wound or injury: restored and 2) being healed. Oh. My. Gosh. Restored? Healed? Isn’t that what Jesus was? Isn’t that what I want?

Anymore, perfection is not my goal. I want to be restored and healed. And honestly, that is a long process. I will be in the “restoring” and “healing” process the rest of my life.

So back then, when I was telling Jesus my desire to live and follow Him perfectly, I sensed Him telling me He wants me to, again and again, and then yet again, turn my face towards Him. The distractions of being human will constantly try to keep me from doing this. Now that I am aware, the more I can consciously choose.

I know I just want to turn. I see myself at a T intersection. I can turn left and strive for perfection (and fail) or I can turn right, towards wholeness and restoration and healing, trusting that my faith will eventually lead me there.

Turn right, my friends. Let us all turn right.

Home Base

Some of the reading I’ve been doing has been describing that almost always, our thoughts and behavior start from one of two places: fear or love. The more I read and consider it, and the more I pay attention, I can see the truth in it.

And as I thought of it, the word home base has been popping up in my head. In baseball, it is the place that the batter starts, and if he gets a hit, it is the base he must return to in order to score a point.

But the dictionary also defines home base as the place in which someone or something lives or operates. That is what I wanted to explore.

I would like my home base to be love, and not fear. Some days, it can be quite the task to have that as my starting point.

It’s much easier to have our home base be love when things are going our way. When the sailing is smooth and there are no obstacles in our way. But what happens when they aren’t? Fear usually takes over.

And what are we afraid of? Perhaps we are afraid of not getting our way, losing control of a situation, or looking or feeling like a failure. But I think it all boils down to our fear of not feeling good or okay. A feeling most of us spend so much time trying to avoid. We strive to orchestrate life and circumstances so that we don’t ever have to feel the uncomfortable feeling.

An example for me was a few months ago when our son told us he was planning on moving out. My response to him was “okay, let me process this and we can talk later.” What was going on inside my head was more like: Nope! It’s too soon, he’s not ready, I know it’s not the right time, etc. All of that was coming from a home base of fear.

Thankfully, because I gave myself time to think and pray about it before we talked, I was able to let go of most (not all, I admit) of the fear. Starting out in fear came out as me telling God what I thought needed to happen, with an agenda that He would somehow give me the right words to say so our son would change his mind, and telling God I needed Him to support me in this. That I, his mom knew what was best. What I heard back was God laughing, saying “really, you know what is best for him? Don’t you think it is more likely that I know more? Maybe this is exactly what is best for him right now.”

That was the turning point for me. The majority of the fear dissolved, and when we talked I could then respond to our son in love, supporting him in his decision, with trust and quiet confidence that it would all work out.

I’m grateful that I took the opportunity to choose wisely, and have seen the outcome of what happens when I come from a home base of love, and not fear.

Quiet Confidence

I came across something I wrote in my journal almost two years ago.  I had come across those two words, “quiet confidence” along with gratitude. 

I wrote about my desire to have that as my starting point rather than fear and effort.  Back then, I knew this was something I needed to sit with and give myself time and to let it find its place in my heart.  

When I hear something new, I admit I tend to want to think a lot about it and understand it completely.  That’s the fear and effort coming into play.  The focus is on me and my ability.  After reading about and pondering quiet confidence and gratitude, I starting to think about it differently.  Instead of being afraid of what I don’t know or understand and then putting more “thought” effort into figuring it all out, could I just tell God how grateful I am for His love and care for me and have the quiet confidence that it will all work out?

I was able to practice that earlier this week.  Something happened that got me pretty fired up, as well as feeling all closed up inside.  I work hard at practicing letting go of the things I have no control over, that helps my heart stay open and free.  That evening, I wasn’t even thinking about any of that.  After spending a few hours of trying to figure out how to manipulate the outcome, I eventually chose to do a little reading, praying and then to sleep on it. 

I admit to not feeling much gratitude that night.  I was feeling a little stuck in “this isn’t right” and how do I navigate my emotions and reactions when I believe this.  I got out a book that talks about letting go when events get me all stirred up inside and how my heart and body feels when that happens.  I imagine holding one of those snow globes that when you shake it, the snow is flying around everywhere.  This certainly was shaking up my emotional snow globe.  How could I calm that internal storm?  That little bit of reading set the stage for me to quiet my heart a bit before trying to sleep. 

I awoke the next morning with my heart not so heavy and closed.  I haven’t changed my mind in how “not right” the situation is.  I just decided I want to live in the freedom I feel when I choose to not allow the event or circumstance to repeatedly shake up my snow globe.  It was then I was able to feel gratitude and live in the quiet confidence that it will all work out.

Reader Reviews

Three months ago my book, The Letters came out in print. It has been an exciting three months and brought me such a feeling of satisfaction that I have accomplished something I always wanted to do. I have received emails and texts and am humbled by the feedback I have received from readers, letting me know their thoughts and how the story of Arthur, Isabelle, Scott and Jeanne has touched them, and then have shared it with others.

This story, which is about grief and loss, and also love and joy, is very special to me. It started out as a short story I wrote as an assignment in a creative writing class I took in 2012. After my father passed away in 2013, I felt called and challenged to turn it into a story and then publish it. A little teaser: there is a small part in the book with a character named after my dad, Tom.

Writing this story took me several years, and by the time I finished it, my mom had also passed away. I’m not sure I could have written this without having personally dealt with their loss, which I still feel deeply.

I would like to share a few of the reviews that have been posted on Amazon for The Letters:

“I worked in hospice and enjoyed the work I did. This book should be out there for those who are grieving. I was a bereavement coordinator and dealt with many that just needed an ear. The memories we have of a loved one should be shared all the time. Very good book.” 03/24/2022

“This book is a beautiful story about grief, it really makes sense of the process. I found myself lost in the stories and the writer’s style I couldn’t put it down. A must read for everyone.” 02/17/2022

“Wow! This book captured me, I could not put it down! Such a beautiful story, so well written. Powerful reminder of LOVE and that grief has no timeline.” 03/07/2022

Grief is something we all will experience at some point in our lives. My sincere thanks to all those who have read this story, which is a labor of love and a tribute to those who grieve. My desire is that this story finds itself in the hands of those who will relate to the characters and their experiences, that they share it with others, and when they close the book, it is with a feeling of hope in their heart.

Click here to Unsubscribe

If you have an email account, you know how easy it is to get a lot of unnecessary, unwanted emails.  It quickly clutters up the inbox.  Luckily, there is a way to stop receiving them by scrolling to the bottom and searching for a link.  The print is usually very small (so they don’t make it easy) that says “click here to unsubscribe.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we had the ability to so easily opt out in other areas, not just our unwanted emails?  What if we could remove and unclutter things in our lives with just a click of a button?   I have a few things I’d like to “unsubscribe” from.

One is my habit of overindulging in salty snacks!  I can usually eat a single piece of dark chocolate and feel satisfied.  Why is it, however, that just one Stax potato chip isn’t enough?

Another one I’d like to easily click that button for is my mental inbox.  To let go of having certain expectations.  Have you ever been in a situation, maybe you’re going to a party, or a work meeting or event, or even going shopping and you have in your mind how things will go, or that you’re going to find the perfect item on your shopping list, only to walk away feeling empty, alone, dissatisfied?  Ugh!  When I have any of those uncomfortable feelings, I’d like to just click a button and say goodbye to them.

One area I feel like I keep selecting that “unsubscribe” button again and again, is my desire for certainty.  When things in my life are going the way I think they should, or planned for them to go, I can easily land in a place where I’m feeling self-satisfied.  But as soon as something happens that is unpredictable, unplanned, or messes with my routine or my day – BLAM!  I can quickly get crabby because of fear and feeling unsettled and unsafe.

I should have learned by now, after decades of living in this world, that I really have little to no control over anything, other than myself.  And the mysteries of life and death, love and health, and even relationships are so vast and sometimes cannot be easily explained or even made sense of. 

I remind myself often, and am continuing to learn that the more I can “unsubscribe” to certainty and embrace the mystery of it all, the quicker my heart and mind calms down.

I will continue on, seeking more ways I can unsubscribe and declutter my mental inbox.  

Easter/Spring Revival

Today is Easter Sunday.  That can mean a lot to some people, and to others, it is just another day.  It’s the season of spring and also the appearance of new life.  

This morning I opened up my dictionary app on my phone to look up a word and what first appeared was the Word of the Day: resurrection.  An appropriate word for this day, I thought.  When the word is capitalized it means the rising of Christ from the dead.  When it has a lower case “r” it refers to resurgence – a rising again into life, or revival – to restore or to bring back.

I started thinking about all the things we might like to see come back or be restored.  For some, it might be a lost loved one, maybe it’s a relationship that is crumbling, or it is good health.  

What I would like to see resurrected, revived and a strong resurgence of is kindness, compassion, civility and love.   

So often, people feel the need to tell anyone who will listen what their opinion is on everything and everyone.  Rudeness is so widespread and now recorded and posted on social media that it’s almost like a challenge, so many often trying to outdo each other by showing a more outrageous example of uncivil and hateful behavior.  Research shows this is having a harmful effect on us.

I’d like to see more of us, myself included, putting down the gavel of judgement.   When we disagree with someone, I hope we can have more constructive interactions, and conversations where there can be a healthy exchange without name-calling and hateful behavior and language.  And more people showing that they can have opposing views without hostility.  Can we not treat the other like a criminal or demonize them because they believe differently?   

I do think the majority of us value the same things and would like to witness a revival, to see a restoration of freedom, truth, love, the ability to choose, and to know that we matter.  Are our behaviors accurately reflecting what we value?  I don’t wear rose-colored glasses, but I will never stop hoping that change can and will happen. 

I can’t change the world, but I am working on how I show up in it.  

Stay Curious

I heard a word this week that was new to me.  Metacognition.  My mind quickly drew a blank.  Metawhat?   Thankfully the speaker followed up with a definition.  He said it is where you are not managed by your feelings, you manage your feelings by thinking about your feelings.  Interesting, I thought.  I wanted to confirm what he was saying, so later I looked it up online and it listed metacognition as the awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes.  Oh yes, I know that experience.

I spent so much of my life not paying any real attention to my thoughts and feelings.  I just had them and quite often, let them be the driver.  But the past several years I’ve been on a quest, some may say it was a mid-life crisis, but whatever you want to call it, I think what I really wanted was more.  More of what?  I didn’t yet know.  I just knew I wanted more.  And I wanted different.  I didn’t want to get stuck in being too afraid to take chances.  And that led me on the journey of discovering me.

I ran across a podcast where a well-known pastor was speaking.  He said when people start dating, they spend a lot of time and energy learning about the other person, what they like and dislike, what they enjoy doing, with the goal to learn as much as possible so they can make the person happy and love them well.  He then said something that made a light go off inside.  He said we need to date ourselves.  

When I thought about it, the one person I am guaranteed to spend the rest of my life with is myself.  No one else is in my head with me, only me.  What would happen if I started to learn, really learn, more about me?    

I began to be curious, seeking out what I wanted to do, spending more quality time with myself, reading books that make me think and explore different things, journaling, and because I am a person with faith, praying and talking to God.  

I can say it has been quite the ride. My investment has paid off.  I am more honest with myself.  I am learning how to let things go. It’s easier for me to admit there is a lot I don’t know, and that is okay.  This frees me to listen to other people’s thoughts and opinions.  When I react without thinking, and I still do at times, I try to think about why I reacted the way I did.  Sometimes I figure it out, other times not.  And there have also been instances that I’ve needed to go back and apologize and/or explain what I was thinking.  Not to show that I’m right, but to make things right with the other person.  All this effort has allowed me to feel more at peace and at home inside my own skin.

Learning more about our thinking and feeling is something we can all do.  I suggest starting small.  There are opportunities everywhere.  The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, and your immediate response is to yell, speed up so they know you’re angry, or even make a specific hand gesture…ask yourself why?  I think we tend to take it so personally, but why?  Or when you text someone and they don’t immediately text back, our go-to response is usually to tell ourselves a story: what I said made them mad, they don’t care what I think or feel, etc.  I know I’ve been guilty of that.  The goal is to start paying attention.

When I delve in to why I’m thinking or feeling something (metacognition) it almost always ends up with me not getting so worked up, and I feel an internal “shift,” like my mind just takes a big, deep breath.  Of course, if I pair that with actually taking a nice, deep breath, it’s a win-win.

So, my encouragement for today…start dating yourself, and stay curious.