Damaged Goods

Many stores have a clearance or sale area where products that are not in “pristine” condition are offered at a reduced price.  Appliance stores often have “scratch and dent” items for sale as well.  These items have enough worth to be offered for purchase, but are considered of less value due to the damage.

I recently came across the saying and it kept nagging at me. When that happens I often have to write down my thoughts.  Sifting through them allows me to gain some clarity as to why they keep popping up in my mind.

I think it is because we often see ourselves or others as damaged goods.  Maybe it’s due to a rough childhood, or a lost love, some may have experienced some trauma in their lives they aren’t over, or have a health condition.  Maybe it’s pain they’ve caused someone else.  The result leads to a belief of not being good enough or measuring up.  And because of that, we might see people, or ourselves, as less than and not as valuable.  The focus is on the damage.

I would like to suggest we look more at the second word in the saying.  We typically tend to overlook the good.  I believe most people are born good and remain inherently good throughout their lives.  I’m not saying we never do bad things or make mistakes, none of us is perfect.  In our current culture, however, there is often an either/or mentality.  I believe both are often true.

To be human is to suffer, to fail, to hurt others and even ourselves.  There is no escaping it, we’re all bruised and wounded, some more than others.  Yet we can bear witness to all the pain and suffering in each of us and still see and acknowledge the good.

As we approach a new year, my hope and prayer is that we do just that.  We journey through each day and when we recognize damage in not only ourselves and others, we shift our eyes and minds to not only seek the good, but to honor the good. 

Coloring

When children are little and learning to color, we often encourage them to stay within the lines.  One reason we do that is it helps teach them the fine motor skills they will need when it’s time to learn to write. 

Another way the phrase of coloring inside the lines can be used is when we have expectations of how someone should behave or even what they should believe, and it usually pertains to the expected “norm” or more truthfully, we want them to believe just as we do. 

Our expectation is that staying in the lines is the correct way to color and to behave.  And by the “correct way” it usually means our way.

Yet, there are so many questions and unknowns, and it is often the ones coloring outside the lines who have the courage to ask those hard questions and seek the tough answers.

Our world does not want to accept or make space for the messiness, the outliers.  Most of us prefer the clean lines and colors that stay within them.  We are encouraged and often expected to pick one way, to choose sides.   

While I admit I tend to like things neat and orderly, the older I get I find myself wanting to make space for us all, for those of us who prefer things nice and tidy, and for the brave souls who question and color outside the lines. 

I don’t want to choose between the two.

Stillness Speaks

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 46:10: “Be still, and know that I am God.”  I often gravitate towards the first two words.  In the chaos of the world, I want to hear any wisdom that my faith or my own inner voice will reveal to me.  

How often do we humans do that, actually practice being still?  When we are awake we tend to fill up our days with to-do lists and schedule our time so that we are always going, going, and doing, doing.  There’s never a lack of something that requires our time and attention.  

Even when we relax, are we being still? We may be just sitting and watching our favorite show or most recent movie, or even reading.  When I read, I am often easily engrossed in the story, visualizing the characters and scenes, and my mind is definitely not quiet.

I understand that stillness isn’t for everyone.  There are many people who do not want to sit in the quiet and be left alone with their thoughts.  It’s too scary.  They don’t want to entertain what dwells hidden inside.  Not me.  

I like to regularly steal away to a calm, quiet place where no one else is, turn off all electronic devices and just sit in stillness.  I also need to give myself a little time to get there, as sometimes my mind is buzzing with activity.  And more often than not, when I stay still, I am surprised at what I sense and hear.

This also requires a willingness to be open to what my heart and mind want to reveal to me.  Perhaps I’ve been struggling with something or someone, maybe it’s a circumstance, feeling or emotion that keeps cropping up, and I’m unsure of what to do.  I admit, there have been times nothing happens.  I may feel more relaxed, yet any clarity remains hidden.  There have been many, many more occasions where something lands deep in my heart.

The best way I can describe it is to imagine dropping a leaf in the rapids of a river.  That leaf will be quickly swept away and disappear from your view.  However, if you drop a leaf in an area of the river where the water is calm and quiet, it will land gently on the water and float there.  

That’s usually what happens when I allow the stillness to settle into me and my mind gets quiet.

Meaningful and often beautiful little truths find a safe place to land.   

Family Ties

I think there’s a misconception out in parenting land that once your children are grown up and gone, the hard work is done and it’s all smooth sailing from then on out.  Um, no.  I beg to differ.

I no longer feel the need to guide and direct my children on the many decisions they need to make or what to do.  Thankfully my children are smart and have pretty good common sense.  What I find difficult is wanting to shield them from all things that could cause them pain or heartbreak.  

I often reflect back on my own parents; they did not get overly involved in their adult children’s lives or choices, but were always there when we needed them.  They gave us the freedom to make our own decisions and navigate both the good and bad consequences of them. 

I was not prepared, however, for how as a parent it would feel to watch my own children embark on that journey.  I remember thinking did I teach them enough, prepare them enough for what life “out there” is like.  I wish my parents were still here for me to go to, to ask questions and seek support and understanding.

I’ve been honest with both of my children about the process of letting them go…to grow up, move out and begin to live their own lives.  I told them no one prepared me it was going to be a challenge. 

My daughter recently mentioned another facet of adult families – what happens when the kids grow up and are no longer under one roof?  She said when she was young, she thought her dad, brother and I would always be this tight knit little unit.  She is now realizing that when children grow up and move out, especially if their move is of greater distance, it’s harder to keep those bonds as tight.  She hadn’t expected that.  

It made me realize I had never thought of that either.  I believe if we do the work to stay connected, and we add in a lot of love and acceptance, we can all grow and stretch and the ties of family will always stay intact.   

Strive for Success

Most people don’t want to fail or be seen as a failure. Success is something we often work toward. Yet, what is success? In the dictionary, it is defined as a favorable or desired outcome.

What does success look like for you? Many people have their own thoughts of what they need to feel successful. Some may want a high paying job, others may want to travel a lot, own their own home and have a family. Good health is high on the list as well.

What makes me feel successful has evolved over the years as I’ve grown and changed. When I came across the quote below, it just felt right to me. Probably because I’ve been thinking about the word “safe” a lot lately.

The quote is by Jonathan Louis Dent who said “Imagine if we measured success by the amount of safety that people felt in our presence.”

Go ahead, read that again.

We all need someone, or a few someone’s, who we feel truly safe with. They are the people who have our back, keep our secrets and love and stick with us even during those times when we are not very lovable. 

As I continue to ponder this quote and what it means, I’m going to pay more attention to not only who I am, but how I am for others. I invite you to do the same. If I am able to offer that safety, that is a success I can strive to achieve.

Silk and Sandpaper

Several days ago, I had a day at work that wasn’t necessarily bad…but it wasn’t good either. Have you ever had one of those days?

On that particular day, things that would normally create a minor little pause in my day felt more…abrasive.

Later that day as I was attempting to share with my daughter how my day went, I could only best explain it by telling her that if good days felt like silk, that day felt more like sandpaper.

Silky days are those days when everything is smooth. I feel like I’m in my flow – whatever I’m doing is going well and I’m feeling really good about it.

Days that feel rough, just like sandpaper, can have varying degrees of abrasiveness. It may be that minor little things annoy me. However, on those tougher, more challenging days, it may feel like sandpaper that has a coarser grit. Those are the days that could potentially result in some deep scratches.

I then reminded myself sandpaper days may have some benefits. Perhaps I will respond by taking several deep breaths or do something good for myself, even if it’s just a five-minute walk break or a quick check in with a trusted friend. Sandpaper days certainly help me appreciate more the days that feel like silk. 

Since then, I’ve shared this with a few people and am not surprised they grasped my description quickly. I think we can all relate.

If you find yourself having a day that feels more like sandpaper, I hope this encourages you to find a way to respond that smoothens out the rough edges.

Pivoting

Yesterday was a day I had to pivot – more times than I could have anticipated. 

I was scheduled to meet a friend at 9:30 for breakfast. Thirty minutes before we were to meet, she called me and said the restaurant did not open until later in the morning. We came up with a plan B and off I went. We arrived to the second restaurant only to discover there was no available seating. Pivoting to plan C. Thankfully, the third choice had one table left and we had a delicious breakfast and great conversation.

Later in the day I was on my way to the store to pick up a few things for my mother-in-law who just got out of rehab. I arrived only to discover they were closed. The bad storm the evening before had wiped out their electricity. I changed direction and drove to another store a few miles away. I could hardly believe they were closed also – again no power from the storm. I pivoted once again and drove to yet another store and was able to get the items she requested. 

I haven’t always handled hurdles like this well. Being able to adapt and adjust when obstacles arise and things don’t go as planned is a skill I’m still learning. 

Pivoting means the goal doesn’t change when the obstacles arise, it is about finding another path to the desired outcome.  And doing that without losing my cool. I know when I am able to pivot with ease, like I did yesterday, I celebrate that as a small victory.

My Dance Partners

Each morning I read from a devotional and every day has a new entry.  As the new year rolls around, I begin again. I’ve read these same passages each year for the past several years, yet it never ceases to amaze me how sometimes it seems like I’m reading an entry for the very first time.

That happened to me just the other day. I opened to the date and the first line said “Waiting, trusting and hoping are intricately connected…”

I stopped there for a moment. Waiting. Trusting. Hoping. 

I think it hit me so intensely that day because it feels like my life right now is a dance with those three as my partners.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you might remember my very first post was about hope being my superpower. I still hold tightly to that, as hope is an internal choice that I can make again and again.  This partner and I have a good rhythm. 

Trust, on the other hand, can be more of a challenge. My faith provides a foundation of trust that I’m going to be okay, no matter what. I know that because I’ve overcome and survived a lot of things in my years. The difficulty comes when my trust involves another person, and their poor choices, that I have no control over, directly affect me.  My trust is then fragile and the dance is painful and awkward. 

Lastly, there’s waiting… oh the waiting. I think this is the hardest for me. Why? Because waiting means I have an expectation of something happening. The more uncertain the outcome is, the harder the wait. It feels never-ending.  When I practice the dance of waiting, I have days where the steps are smooth, yet others it feels like I’m falling, tripping over my own feet.

What do I do? I keep on practicing the moves, over and over, one day at a time. I hope for good and the best for myself and others, I trust that no matter what each day brings, I will make it through and do my best, and then I wait. I wait for the good and best things…and while I’m waiting, I hold on tight to that hope and trust. 

Appreciation to Readers

Yesterday I embarked on another leg of my writing adventure. The owner of a local cafe’ has supported many authors by providing a space for them to promote their books. She had been asking me for a year when I would have a book signing event, so yesterday I finally did. 

I want to thank my family and friends, and also some previous and current co-workers who came to support me. Some of them had already read my first book, The Letters and brought their copy to be signed, others came to purchase one.

Several of the diners eating that morning stopped and asked me about my book.  When I shared it was a story about a father and son dealing with grief, a look would come across their face.  A look of recognition, understanding.  Almost everyone has had a brush, or maybe even a full-on collision, with grief. 

One of the diners shared with me her husband had just lost his mom, another her own mother, and one woman spoke to me about a family member who recently lost her 23-year-old daughter. All of them were grieving. I was able to relate, listen to their story and even provide encouragement. 

It was shared with me that the mother of the 23-year-old is being offered lots of opinions and suggestions of what she “should” do to handle her loss. She feels adrift.  And while grief is universal, how we deal with it is very personal and unique. 

I’m thankful for all who have read my book, and those who are getting ready to.  My hope has been that the story I’ve penned will resonate with others and provide hope and encouragement, and remind us all we don’t have to travel the road alone.

Writing Expedition

I recently heard someone on a podcast say: you write what you need to hear.

I can’t speak for others, but it often rings true for me. Writing gives me the opportunity to process my thoughts and arrange them in a coherent order. 

There have been times I’ve gone back and read something I wrote – it can be days, months or even years later. I’ve discovered more than once feeling surprised with what I had written. 

Being able to revisit my thoughts has shown me that sometimes my words still ring true for me now just as much as they did in the past. Other times it is a reminder of my ignorance or humanness. Or maybe, like an onion, I’ve peeled back another layer and learned even more about myself, or how old thought patterns have changed and are now reshaped into something new and better.

About two years ago I came across one journal from a long time ago. It had guided prompts with questions. This was during a period of what I will call spiritual “murkiness.” I could hardly read it because some of what I wrote just felt “icky.” I even considered throwing it away or burning it. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do that, partly because this was a part of me, representing a lived experience and shaping me into who I am today. 

I recently pulled the journal back out and started looking at it again. This time, I was able to read it with a new lens and could see so many areas of transformation and growth. I was able to see the things that no longer rang true for me. More importantly I saw that even in the midst of all the cloudy, shadowy thoughts and beliefs back then, there were also rays of light filtering through. This was evidence that truth was always there, waiting patiently for me to see it. 

Not everyone likes to put down on paper the things that are whirling around in their head and hearts, but for those who do, it can be a catalyst for growth and discovery.