Quiet Confidence

I came across something I wrote in my journal almost two years ago.  I had come across those two words, “quiet confidence” along with gratitude. 

I wrote about my desire to have that as my starting point rather than fear and effort.  Back then, I knew this was something I needed to sit with and give myself time and to let it find its place in my heart.  

When I hear something new, I admit I tend to want to think a lot about it and understand it completely.  That’s the fear and effort coming into play.  The focus is on me and my ability.  After reading about and pondering quiet confidence and gratitude, I starting to think about it differently.  Instead of being afraid of what I don’t know or understand and then putting more “thought” effort into figuring it all out, could I just tell God how grateful I am for His love and care for me and have the quiet confidence that it will all work out?

I was able to practice that earlier this week.  Something happened that got me pretty fired up, as well as feeling all closed up inside.  I work hard at practicing letting go of the things I have no control over, that helps my heart stay open and free.  That evening, I wasn’t even thinking about any of that.  After spending a few hours of trying to figure out how to manipulate the outcome, I eventually chose to do a little reading, praying and then to sleep on it. 

I admit to not feeling much gratitude that night.  I was feeling a little stuck in “this isn’t right” and how do I navigate my emotions and reactions when I believe this.  I got out a book that talks about letting go when events get me all stirred up inside and how my heart and body feels when that happens.  I imagine holding one of those snow globes that when you shake it, the snow is flying around everywhere.  This certainly was shaking up my emotional snow globe.  How could I calm that internal storm?  That little bit of reading set the stage for me to quiet my heart a bit before trying to sleep. 

I awoke the next morning with my heart not so heavy and closed.  I haven’t changed my mind in how “not right” the situation is.  I just decided I want to live in the freedom I feel when I choose to not allow the event or circumstance to repeatedly shake up my snow globe.  It was then I was able to feel gratitude and live in the quiet confidence that it will all work out.

Reader Reviews

Three months ago my book, The Letters came out in print. It has been an exciting three months and brought me such a feeling of satisfaction that I have accomplished something I always wanted to do. I have received emails and texts and am humbled by the feedback I have received from readers, letting me know their thoughts and how the story of Arthur, Isabelle, Scott and Jeanne has touched them, and then have shared it with others.

This story, which is about grief and loss, and also love and joy, is very special to me. It started out as a short story I wrote as an assignment in a creative writing class I took in 2012. After my father passed away in 2013, I felt called and challenged to turn it into a story and then publish it. A little teaser: there is a small part in the book with a character named after my dad, Tom.

Writing this story took me several years, and by the time I finished it, my mom had also passed away. I’m not sure I could have written this without having personally dealt with their loss, which I still feel deeply.

I would like to share a few of the reviews that have been posted on Amazon for The Letters:

“I worked in hospice and enjoyed the work I did. This book should be out there for those who are grieving. I was a bereavement coordinator and dealt with many that just needed an ear. The memories we have of a loved one should be shared all the time. Very good book.” 03/24/2022

“This book is a beautiful story about grief, it really makes sense of the process. I found myself lost in the stories and the writer’s style I couldn’t put it down. A must read for everyone.” 02/17/2022

“Wow! This book captured me, I could not put it down! Such a beautiful story, so well written. Powerful reminder of LOVE and that grief has no timeline.” 03/07/2022

Grief is something we all will experience at some point in our lives. My sincere thanks to all those who have read this story, which is a labor of love and a tribute to those who grieve. My desire is that this story finds itself in the hands of those who will relate to the characters and their experiences, that they share it with others, and when they close the book, it is with a feeling of hope in their heart.

Click here to Unsubscribe

If you have an email account, you know how easy it is to get a lot of unnecessary, unwanted emails.  It quickly clutters up the inbox.  Luckily, there is a way to stop receiving them by scrolling to the bottom and searching for a link.  The print is usually very small (so they don’t make it easy) that says “click here to unsubscribe.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we had the ability to so easily opt out in other areas, not just our unwanted emails?  What if we could remove and unclutter things in our lives with just a click of a button?   I have a few things I’d like to “unsubscribe” from.

One is my habit of overindulging in salty snacks!  I can usually eat a single piece of dark chocolate and feel satisfied.  Why is it, however, that just one Stax potato chip isn’t enough?

Another one I’d like to easily click that button for is my mental inbox.  To let go of having certain expectations.  Have you ever been in a situation, maybe you’re going to a party, or a work meeting or event, or even going shopping and you have in your mind how things will go, or that you’re going to find the perfect item on your shopping list, only to walk away feeling empty, alone, dissatisfied?  Ugh!  When I have any of those uncomfortable feelings, I’d like to just click a button and say goodbye to them.

One area I feel like I keep selecting that “unsubscribe” button again and again, is my desire for certainty.  When things in my life are going the way I think they should, or planned for them to go, I can easily land in a place where I’m feeling self-satisfied.  But as soon as something happens that is unpredictable, unplanned, or messes with my routine or my day – BLAM!  I can quickly get crabby because of fear and feeling unsettled and unsafe.

I should have learned by now, after decades of living in this world, that I really have little to no control over anything, other than myself.  And the mysteries of life and death, love and health, and even relationships are so vast and sometimes cannot be easily explained or even made sense of. 

I remind myself often, and am continuing to learn that the more I can “unsubscribe” to certainty and embrace the mystery of it all, the quicker my heart and mind calms down.

I will continue on, seeking more ways I can unsubscribe and declutter my mental inbox.  

Easter/Spring Revival

Today is Easter Sunday.  That can mean a lot to some people, and to others, it is just another day.  It’s the season of spring and also the appearance of new life.  

This morning I opened up my dictionary app on my phone to look up a word and what first appeared was the Word of the Day: resurrection.  An appropriate word for this day, I thought.  When the word is capitalized it means the rising of Christ from the dead.  When it has a lower case “r” it refers to resurgence – a rising again into life, or revival – to restore or to bring back.

I started thinking about all the things we might like to see come back or be restored.  For some, it might be a lost loved one, maybe it’s a relationship that is crumbling, or it is good health.  

What I would like to see resurrected, revived and a strong resurgence of is kindness, compassion, civility and love.   

So often, people feel the need to tell anyone who will listen what their opinion is on everything and everyone.  Rudeness is so widespread and now recorded and posted on social media that it’s almost like a challenge, so many often trying to outdo each other by showing a more outrageous example of uncivil and hateful behavior.  Research shows this is having a harmful effect on us.

I’d like to see more of us, myself included, putting down the gavel of judgement.   When we disagree with someone, I hope we can have more constructive interactions, and conversations where there can be a healthy exchange without name-calling and hateful behavior and language.  And more people showing that they can have opposing views without hostility.  Can we not treat the other like a criminal or demonize them because they believe differently?   

I do think the majority of us value the same things and would like to witness a revival, to see a restoration of freedom, truth, love, the ability to choose, and to know that we matter.  Are our behaviors accurately reflecting what we value?  I don’t wear rose-colored glasses, but I will never stop hoping that change can and will happen. 

I can’t change the world, but I am working on how I show up in it.  

Stay Curious

I heard a word this week that was new to me.  Metacognition.  My mind quickly drew a blank.  Metawhat?   Thankfully the speaker followed up with a definition.  He said it is where you are not managed by your feelings, you manage your feelings by thinking about your feelings.  Interesting, I thought.  I wanted to confirm what he was saying, so later I looked it up online and it listed metacognition as the awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes.  Oh yes, I know that experience.

I spent so much of my life not paying any real attention to my thoughts and feelings.  I just had them and quite often, let them be the driver.  But the past several years I’ve been on a quest, some may say it was a mid-life crisis, but whatever you want to call it, I think what I really wanted was more.  More of what?  I didn’t yet know.  I just knew I wanted more.  And I wanted different.  I didn’t want to get stuck in being too afraid to take chances.  And that led me on the journey of discovering me.

I ran across a podcast where a well-known pastor was speaking.  He said when people start dating, they spend a lot of time and energy learning about the other person, what they like and dislike, what they enjoy doing, with the goal to learn as much as possible so they can make the person happy and love them well.  He then said something that made a light go off inside.  He said we need to date ourselves.  

When I thought about it, the one person I am guaranteed to spend the rest of my life with is myself.  No one else is in my head with me, only me.  What would happen if I started to learn, really learn, more about me?    

I began to be curious, seeking out what I wanted to do, spending more quality time with myself, reading books that make me think and explore different things, journaling, and because I am a person with faith, praying and talking to God.  

I can say it has been quite the ride. My investment has paid off.  I am more honest with myself.  I am learning how to let things go. It’s easier for me to admit there is a lot I don’t know, and that is okay.  This frees me to listen to other people’s thoughts and opinions.  When I react without thinking, and I still do at times, I try to think about why I reacted the way I did.  Sometimes I figure it out, other times not.  And there have also been instances that I’ve needed to go back and apologize and/or explain what I was thinking.  Not to show that I’m right, but to make things right with the other person.  All this effort has allowed me to feel more at peace and at home inside my own skin.

Learning more about our thinking and feeling is something we can all do.  I suggest starting small.  There are opportunities everywhere.  The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, and your immediate response is to yell, speed up so they know you’re angry, or even make a specific hand gesture…ask yourself why?  I think we tend to take it so personally, but why?  Or when you text someone and they don’t immediately text back, our go-to response is usually to tell ourselves a story: what I said made them mad, they don’t care what I think or feel, etc.  I know I’ve been guilty of that.  The goal is to start paying attention.

When I delve in to why I’m thinking or feeling something (metacognition) it almost always ends up with me not getting so worked up, and I feel an internal “shift,” like my mind just takes a big, deep breath.  Of course, if I pair that with actually taking a nice, deep breath, it’s a win-win.

So, my encouragement for today…start dating yourself, and stay curious.

Stay in Your Own Seat

I tend to have a “fix-it” personality.  I want to say the right thing, do the right thing to help someone (or maybe help me) feel better about the situation, circumstances, themselves, and so on.  I admit, it’s gotten me into some trouble.

But I’m learning.

I am a visual person, and I believe God uses visual images to help me understand things.  I trust Him in this.   A while back, I was struggling with someone, frustrated that the choices they were making were causing them (and maybe even me) to suffer in ways that I could not control or fix.  It’s not a feeling I like.  

As I was thinking of all of this, I saw an image of a puzzle.  I was sitting at a table, Jesus is sitting next to me and there is a puzzle on the table.  It’s got a lot of pieces to the side, waiting to see where they fit. I realize it is of this person’s life.  I’m trying to put the puzzle pieces together.  Jesus slowly reaches over, and takes my hands and places them in my lap.  He’s telling me lovingly, gently, that this is not my puzzle to put together.  Big sigh.  Okay Lord, I hear you.

Later I see Jesus sitting with this person at the table, working together on the puzzle.  I walk over and watch, and then try to sit down with them.  Jesus gets my attention, shakes his head no and looks over at a different table. I see another puzzle and an empty chair.  He’s directing me to go sit there with Him, that is the puzzle of my life to work on. 

I then looked around and could see other people at tables. Jesus was at each one, sitting and working together with the person whose puzzle (life) it was.  How often do I want to get up and go look at the other puzzles? Maybe even weigh in on it, to say, let’s try putting that piece there?  I don’t think I would want someone else coming and telling me how to do my puzzle.   It’s like in kindergarten when the teacher tells the children to stay in their seats and do their own work. I think of, perhaps even worse, to compare their puzzle to mine.  Does their’s look better or have more pieces in place?  Comparison is the thief of joy.  

I ask Jesus “Wait, these are my family and friends. Aren’t I in some of these puzzles?” Jesus assures me that I am definitely in there, but it is not my place to put their puzzle together. That is between them.  

Another big sigh.  I know I have work to do, to learn to stay in my own seat.   

Joy Bursts

Have you ever experienced a moment of pure joy?  I have.  They tend to be short, unexpected and somewhat intense, and I almost feel a sensation of warmth envelop my heart.  They are fleeting and don’t last long, but when I experience it, I recognize it as joy.

Joy is different than happiness.  Joy is something felt deep inside.  Happiness usually has to do with our circumstances.  And when the circumstances change and happiness wanes, we often start the search for the next thing to make us happy.

Some of the joy bursts I’ve heard about and experienced myself are holding a newborn baby for the first time, seeing a rainbow after a summer storm, receiving an unexpected letter, text or message from a friend, or the first shoots of a flower or plant appearing in the spring.  It often has to do with a feeling of connection to something, someone, or nature.  

When I have those joy bursts, I feel a connection to God and myself that sometimes takes my breath away. They are random and always unpredictable.  Which is good.  If I could manufacture them on my own, I probably would not get anything done because I would always be trying to produce them.

But what I have discovered is that the more I practice gratitude (there’s that word practice again-see my post from last week) the more opportunities I have to feel joy. 

I’ve often read that joy and gratitude have a direct link.  I tend to agree with that based upon my own experience.  Ever since I started the practice of writing five things each day that I’m grateful for, the more joy bursts I have had.  

I also think, at least for me, another component that has increased how often I experience a burst of joy is practicing letting go.  The more I’m able to let go of expectations, outcomes, and control, the more space it creates inside for a burst of joy to breeze through.

So today, my hope for each of you is that you experience and recognize a burst of joy in your life.  When you do, I hope you share it with someone. 

Because we all need more joy in our lives.    

Practice Makes Perfect

This is a well-known phrase, and I’m sure many of you have heard it.  Practice makes perfect.  But does it?  Does practice really make perfect?  And what is the focus on those three words.  Most often I believe it’s the last word: perfect.  

Perfectionism is a trait that trips many of us up.  I know it’ something I still struggle with.  I grew up having perfectionistic tendencies. Looking back, I thought if I looked and acted perfectly, pretended everything in my life was perfect, I would be safe.  Safe from teasing or bullying from other kids in school, safe from getting in trouble with my parents, but maybe more importantly, safe from myself.  Safe from my own self-criticism, self-doubt, and not liking myself.  Did it work? Not all the time.

A pivot point for me was about five or six years ago when I read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene’ Brown. My daughter had bought the book and what caught my eye were the words underneath the title: let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.  I was looking to feel more grounded, centered, and whole.  Without realizing it, what I was really striving for was to feel at home in my own skin. I asked her if I could read it, and ended up buying my own copy so I could highlight the heck out of it.   

Reading the book, I felt like I had opened up this hidden space inside of myself that I didn’t even know was there.  I discovered I could be imperfect and still feel worthy of love and belonging.  Not only to feel that from others, but more importantly, to feel it from myself.  That was a game changer.  I’ve read the book twice now, using different colored highlighters each time.  I’ll probably read it again.  I still struggle at times, and I’ve even joked that I want to do imperfection perfectly.  Ugh!  Will I ever learn?  

All joking aside, it has been the beginning of a transformation for me.   

I think it’s because my focus has changed.  It has changed from the word perfect to the actual practice.  My goal is no longer perfection.  I now pay attention to the practice…the things I do, the words I speak, how I treat others and how I also treat myself.  I try to be much kinder and gentler to myself. I list daily things I am grateful for. I’m learning to be more aware of the things that trigger me into making decisions that aren’t good for me.  I’m getting better at observing my thoughts and where they take me.  I’m more deliberate in what I read and listen to, and I’m learning to not run from things that are different and make me uncomfortable.  The other thing I’m practicing is to not freak out when dealing with uncertainty and all the things I can’t control.  The opportunities to practice that are there – every single day. 

Why am I doing all of this?  The more I can practice being uncomfortable and not trying to control everything, the better prepared I am to handle life’s curves.  I used to avoid the feelings that were hard for me to experience, like anger, sadness and frustration.  I’m getting better at recognizing them and allowing myself to feel them for a time, and then I try to shoo them on their way.  But let’s face it, I’m only human and sometimes all I want to do (and at times end up doing) is sitting in my recliner and numbing myself with Netflix.  

I’m not giving up though. I continue to practice, no longer focusing on the end-goal but more on movement. I’m less concerned about perfection.

Instead of practice makes perfect, I like to think practice makes…possible.  And what is possible?  Anything.  Maybe even everything.

One Size Fits All

I was reading this morning about belonging, and how it is an undeniable need for each person to know they belong.  Where they belong can be different for each person.   

For some reason, the phrase “one size fits all” popped into my head as I was reading.  It most often is referring to a piece of clothing, but also could describe an item, situation, or policy designed to accommodate a large group of people. 

I started thinking about how “belonging” and “one size fits all” work together.  Do they?  How does that work in groups: at school, at work, in churches, in homes and families, in social groups?  One size certainly does not fit all.  If it did, there would not be choices of public, private and home schooling, or so many different church denominations who worship the same God, and social groups that have certain requirements to attend or join.  For example, if I showed up at a grief group for those who lost someone to suicide, and my loved one died of cancer, I imagine I would not necessarily be welcome with open arms.  I could easily be seen as not belonging in that group, even though I too was experiencing grief.

I wonder if two areas of belonging that could potentially have a more profound affect are belonging to your family and belonging to yourself.

Belonging to your family was a common theme among a group of eighth graders Brene’ Brown refers to in her book Atlas of the Heart.  She asked these students what it feels like to them to not belong.  Many of them shared their feelings of not belonging in relation to their parents’ expectations.  They describe the parent not liking who they are or what they do, of not being cool enough for their parents, and even when the parents don’t pay attention to their children’s lives.  

That made me reflective of my own life, as a child and then as a parent.  I don’t have memories of my parents having strong expectations of me being a high achiever in any specific area.  I do know they wanted me to share their faith, and did encourage me to do my best in whatever I was doing, and also to treat others with fairness and kindness. And they were always there when I needed them. I have tried to do the same with my own children. I hope I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older.  

I think one thing that has helped me grow into being a better person, a better spouse, parent, and ultimately, a better human being, is learning to belong to myself.  I came across a quote a few years back by Sue Monk Kidd.  She said “All my life I had tried to complete myself with other people and now I just want to belong to myself.”  That sentence landed directly into my heart.  

After years of looking for people and things outside of myself to feel complete, of being a people pleaser and a fixer, her quote rang true. I may have different roles of wife, mother, sister, friend, and co-worker, but what ultimately will fulfill me, to make me feel whole, and has become the focus of so much in my life, is learning to belong to me.  I am in recovery.  There is no end destination, I believe it is a life-long pursuit, and it takes dedication and courage. 

This is something I now try to share with my husband and children.  Encouraging them to look to themselves for love and belonging.  To not look for someone else to complete them.  To be compassionate and kind to themselves as well as others.  To pay attention to what makes them happy and brings them joy.  I try really hard to refrain from trying to fix their situations, circumstances, or to change their minds about something.  I am not doing this perfectly. I know I fail.  I hope they know when I stumble, they can call me on it, and I will hear them.  I want to be a safe place for them. 

I think this is an area that one size fits all just might work.  Learning to really love and belong to yourself.   This is ultimately the journey for every human being.   

My Parent’s Love

Last week I shared about how I experienced my parent’s deaths differently.  Today I’d like to share about the ways I experienced their love.

A few months ago, I had accepted an offer for a different job and I was waiting for my book to be published.  Two separate opportunities that left me feeling scared, excited, uncertain and vulnerable.  These were two really big things for me.  I was leaving my workplace after 36 years where I was rather comfortable (maybe a little too comfortable) and embarking on a journey that would take me into situations where I would have to relate to people in a very real, compassionate, empathetic way.  It was both exciting and scary. I enjoy relating to others and yet I knew I would be listening to people who are often scared, angry, frustrated, etc.  You know, those emotions that most everyone likes to run from. 

I was also putting my book, which displays my imagination and contains my thoughts and words, out into the world with the realization that some might judge it harshly or criticize my work.  That is scary.  But I had also reached the point that I knew if I didn’t do it, I would always live with the regret.

That is where I found myself that day.  I really wanted to get some comfort, encouragement and support from my parents.  I knew they would support me one hundred percent in my pursuit of both of those things.

That day I texted my daughter, telling her how I was feeling and she suggested I do a prayer exercise where I allowed myself to observe my thoughts and feelings, and then to bring Jesus and both my parents into it.  As soon as I read her text, my eyes filled with tears and I got emotional.  Uh oh. I know what that means.  It was my body telling me this was something I needed to do. 

It was a beautiful, reflective experience.  Have you ever looked at an old photo album and it brought back experiences and feelings from the past?  This exercise took me to a place where I focused on how I related to my parents and experienced their love differently.  

My mom’s love was pretty much “tell it like it is.”  It was practical, full of wisdom and straightforward. Don’t get me wrong, it did not lack caring and warmth, and she loved to give and get hugs from her children and grandchildren.  I felt her love like a guidebook, something I could carry around with me so it was there whenever I needed it. 

Dad’s love felt less about words but more about a sensation, a feeling of comfort.  It felt like a warm, cozy blanket to wrap around myself, just like the hugs he gave.  Ask anyone who knew him, he gave the BEST hugs!

After that day, when I need to feel their love for me, I like to visualize myself with my mom’s “love” guidebook, holding it close to my heart.  Around and surrounding me is the warm, comfy blanket of my dad’s love, like a cocoon.  They feel close to me and I feel safe and secure.

Their love complimented each other, and they loved well.